What A Joke!

[7thfort]

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

[7thfort]

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

[7thfort]

Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

[7thfort]

Talk about Husband

One woman told another:

"My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

[7thfort]

Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple?

How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

[7thfort]

No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

[7thfort]

Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late,
no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.

Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:

"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

[7thfort]

Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[7thfort]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ' Rock. '

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?

The chief replied, "My bike !!!"

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle !!!

[7thfort]

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[7thfort]

"LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP"

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends.  He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping ?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[7thfort]

Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are Jews, and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Shanghai .

"Oscar," asked Benjie, "Are there any Jews in China ?"
"I don't know," Oscar replied.
"Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews here in Shanghai ?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.
"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Oscar said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China , our people are scattered everywhere..."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, apple Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews! If you want, we have Chinese Tea"

[7thfort]

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

[7thfort]

A teacher asks the class to name something that end with 'tor' and eats things.

1st little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

2nd boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word."

3rd boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries !!! "

[7thfort]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

[7thfort]

Where do red-headed babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine !!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be; our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it !' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

[7thfort]

THE NEW GENERATION 
 
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.  I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.  Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow - Really ... Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if you are fed up with your husband ... sell him on Ebay" ?!?.

[7thfort]

Wife : How have you managed to get home so early today?

Husband : My boss lost temper with me and shouted "Go to hell". So I came home.

[7thfort]

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!" 

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

[7thfort]

70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind  young girls?"

Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."

[7thfort]

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her…."1st he  kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he wants  to go on top.  You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name."

Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."

[7thfort]

Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an  hour?"

Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"

[7thfort]

Mr & Mrs Sum got married in Hong Kong. When their baby was born, he had big, blue eyes, curly, blonde hair and a long one.

They named him  SUM TING LONG @SUM THIN WRON. 

[haaha]

 

[7thfort]

 An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years . 

Upon her return , her father yelled at her , "Where have ye been all this time ?
Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line .  Why didn't ye call ? 
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?"

The girl , crying , replied , Sniff , sniff...."Dad..... I was too embarrassed , I became a prostitute ."

"Ye what !!?  Get out of here , ye shameless hussy !  Sinner ! 
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family , so yer are ."

"OK , Daddy ... as ye wish ..."   

"I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat , a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check .

For me little brother Seamus , this gold Rolex . 

And for ye Daddy , the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside , plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club .

She takes a breath and continues , "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become ?" says Daddy

Girl , crying again , Sniff , sniff ....  "A prostitute Daddy !" Sniff , sniff .

"Oh ! Be Jesus ! Ye scared me half to death girl ! 

I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.  Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."