What A Joke!

[7thfort]

Raining in New York City

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom ?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have ?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said

[7thfort]

REAL GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Sabah, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true !

John Nonong, a University Malaysia Sabah student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him..

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching..

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him..

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and .... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Nonong sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Ahmad.....there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it !"

[7thfort]

Little boy at the nude beach.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[7thfort]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,

'Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?'

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,

'Sure' and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,

'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?'

Shrugging, the golfer replies, 'Okay.' And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'

'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

'I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this
day forward you will have no sex life.'

'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies, 'I'm Father O'Malley.'

[7thfort]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved golf all our lives, and we played golf on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You've been booked to play this Saturday."

[GZLIM]

  tey change the topic from baseball to golf....

[7thfort]

HEARING AID

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner ?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner ?"



,,



,,



,,



"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN !!!"

[7thfort]

FARMER JOHN

Farmer John was taking his cow and its new born calf to sell in the auction.

On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.

Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped.

They however left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.

Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John even though he looked very tired, pale and drained.

When they united him, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

"Why are you thrashing the poor calf ? His neighbors asked.

To which farmer John replied…

"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother ! I am not your mother ... I'm not your mother.... !"

[7thfort]

Quick Thinking

A man walked into a Woolworth's supermarket in the UK and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this Gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here.

Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

[7thfort]

Never force children to pray

At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer.

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray.

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...

BOY: “Dear Lord,” he started

Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again!

Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone.

And provide shelter Lord, to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.

[7thfort]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[7thfort]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[7thfort]

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck; "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill hasn't been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? "

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, madam, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... “HOW ??"

" Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[7thfort]

Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy!"

"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

[7thfort]

Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,

"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

[7thfort]

Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

[@tsw@]

LATEST NEWS ... Kuala Lumpur 31.12.2013. This incident happened this morning in a mamak restaurant. While watching television, in an oversight, a man swallows a coin & chokes. His wife hits his back to make him spit out the coin but she fails.  Her husband's face begins to turn blue showing signs of choking. The wife shakes him hard & screams for help. A man sitting at a nearby table gets up, quickly lower's the guy pants, with full of confidence, squeezes his testicles & pull them down violently. Naturally, the guy with an irresistible pain spits out the coin. Then without any single word the 'hero' returns to his teh tarik. He was in his long sleeves batik, wearing thick sunglasses, a few rings with big stones on his fingers, a high songkok with a Porsche Cayenne parked nearby. Soon the couple calm down & approaches their 'hero' to thank him. The wife asks :- Sir. Are you are doctor by your profession? The man reply :- No, I am not a doctor. I am a politician. I been trained how to squeeze the balls of the peoples to make them cough up to the last cent.  WELCOME TO YEAR 2014 THE YEAR OF BARANG NAIK !

[dpkong]

That somehow doesn't sound like a joke... 

[gucciposh]

I agree with that one, it's kinda 'hard to swallow' joke but i get the point! 

[ndtaan]

I'm a politician(malaysian)....... get it! get it! get it!! 

[7thfort]

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

[7thfort]

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

[7thfort]

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

[7thfort]

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

[7thfort]

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."