What A Joke!

[7thfort]

MARRIAGE / MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[7thfort]

HONESTLY !! Have you ever experienced a better definition of "dilemma"?

First imagine the situation, and then think!!!!                                                                                                                                                       

Tom and Fred were at the pub having a few beers, ? solving the problems of the world.                         

When suddenly Tom asked Fred : ?“What is a dilemma?”                                                         

Fred replied, “Well, try this analogy"                                                                       

"Imagine that you are lying in the middle of a king size bed.                                                 

On one side, you have a beautiful naked young woman.                                                         

On the other side, you have a naked gay man"                                                                 

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[7thfort]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

[7thfort]

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks

"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

[7thfort]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

[7thfort]

Police stop a Pakistani in his Ford Transit on the motorway.

Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"

The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"

[7thfort]

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to arrange for an obituary to be published for her recently deceased husband.
 
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read, "Fred Brown died."
 
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
 
She thinks it over for a few seconds, then says:
 
"In that case, let it read: Fred Brown died, golf clubs for sale."

[7thfort]

 WOMEN'S REVENGE…………..

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[7thfort]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

[7thfort]

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

[7thfort]

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[7thfort]

One Day A Man Came Back Early From His Office.
 
He Was Shocked To See His Wife With Another Guy.
 
He Told His Wife To Go Out Of The Room.
 
Then He Said To The Guy: "What Are You Doing Here?”
 
The Guy Replied "I Love Your Wife & She Loves Me Too.”
 
The Man Said: "I Know That My Wife Loves Me & Not You.”
 
After A Long Conversation They Decided: "We’ll Lets Hold Our Guns & Fire At Each Other & Pretend To Be Dead.”
 
"She Will Mourn For The Guy She Loves The Most & The Other Person Will Get Out Of Their Lives.”
 
The Wife Heard The Gunshots, She Came Into The Room, Shocked And Surprised, Stood Staring At Both The Dead Bodies.
 
Suddenly She Started Laughing Out Loudly, Rejoicing And Shouted
.
.
.
.
"Bob Get Out Of That Wardrobe, These 2 Idiots Are Dead Now!"
 

[7thfort]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her....................... dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[7thfort]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

[7thfort]

Paddy says " Mick , I'm thinking of buying a   Labrador ..

"Bugger that" says Mick

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[7thfort]

Murphy says to Paddy

"What ya talkin to an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

[7thfort]

SATAN

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years'.

[7thfort]

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[7thfort]

3 Virgins

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

[7thfort]

At the Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient.

"We two should be very careful not to hurt each other, ..... Agree?"

[7thfort]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price !"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one !"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either !"

[7thfort]

Since the wife was eight months into her pregnancy, the husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, the wife glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him. "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... Don't think about it again" she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: ''She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....''

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...I charged him only five hundred..."

The guy collapsed !!!

Think TWICE when your wife is over Generous.

[7thfort]

LULU ON HEAT

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block ?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What does that mean ?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block ? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu ?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[7thfort]

SENIORS FISHING

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down ?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or Down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,"Up or Down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ?"

She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fu*k or drown."

[7thfort]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.