Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 147459 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #75 on: December 24, 2012, 07:05:51 PM »
Once  Ah  Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man  asked him why he did so.

He replied that the weather forecast announced  that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be  hot.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #76 on: December 24, 2012, 07:08:41 PM »
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship..  I was shocked..
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice
       

Offline kiamat

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #77 on: December 26, 2012, 06:18:40 PM »
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #78 on: January 01, 2013, 06:54:05 PM »
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #79 on: January 01, 2013, 06:55:02 PM »
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #80 on: January 01, 2013, 06:55:45 PM »
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #81 on: January 01, 2013, 06:56:31 PM »
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #82 on: January 01, 2013, 06:57:32 PM »
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #83 on: January 01, 2013, 06:58:55 PM »
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy sod busy.
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #84 on: January 01, 2013, 07:02:59 PM »
A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
 
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
 
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points  to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I  want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word  'Diwali.'
 
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'
 
The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
 
'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali  and Christmas..
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #85 on: January 01, 2013, 07:05:17 PM »
When a married man says, I’ll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife's opinion yet.
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #86 on: January 01, 2013, 07:11:24 PM »
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... And after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #87 on: January 01, 2013, 07:12:55 PM »
On a SIA flight to KL
 
S'porean Passenger to Stewardess:
Hallo Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah?? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him­.
 
Stewardess:
?????? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir....
 
Passenger:
You know Kevin Khoo la, ­even the Captain is always looking for him ­Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off­. Kevin Khoo please return to your station ­Kevin Khoo p.....lease disarm all doors­....Kevin Khoo please be seated for landing­....aiyo! he's so busy la­. Why you all never help him one??
 
Stewardess:
Sir, there are 12 of us Kevin Khoos on this flight;­ and it's cabin crew ....not Kevin Khoo!

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #88 on: January 01, 2013, 07:14:26 PM »
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

The husband said: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #89 on: January 01, 2013, 07:18:32 PM »
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #90 on: January 12, 2013, 07:53:19 AM »
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
 
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own bloody blanket.'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #91 on: January 12, 2013, 07:55:40 AM »
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of US$10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing US$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido: “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says:

"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #92 on: January 12, 2013, 07:58:39 AM »
Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife for Valentines Day. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
 
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
 
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I've an idea  It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief!  You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at noon.  The coffin will be closed.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #93 on: January 12, 2013, 08:03:26 AM »
Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #94 on: January 12, 2013, 08:04:25 AM »
Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth.

Why?

Because his doctor advised him:  "Today's dinner should be light !"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2013, 08:07:34 AM »
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more !


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2013, 08:08:18 AM »
Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India .

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What "which part"? Whole body was born in India .

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #97 on: January 12, 2013, 08:09:25 AM »
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

He wrote:  "Due To Rain, No Match!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #98 on: January 12, 2013, 08:12:12 AM »
The Coffee Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #99 on: January 12, 2013, 08:13:13 AM »
Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.