Author Topic: What A Joke! (Read 140935 times)

7thfort · « **Reply #125 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:36:58 AM »

Sam and Peter, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Sam didn't show up.

Peter didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Sam hadn't shown up for a week or so, Peter really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Peter didn't know
where Sam lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Peter figured he had seen the last of Sam, but one day,
Peter approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Sam!

Peter was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Sam, what in the world happened to you?'

Sam replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Peter.

What in the world for?'

'Well,' Sam said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Peter, 'I remember her.

What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 75 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty".

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

7thfort · « **Reply #126 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:40:59 AM »

There was a Mr.Singh applying for a medical school to become a doctor. Sadly,he never make it. You know why?

These are some of the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

************

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.

7thfort · « **Reply #127 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:45:23 AM »

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4 What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

7thfort · « **Reply #128 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:47:08 AM »

A girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs. She got worried and asked her mother about it. Her mother calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey and be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled.........

At dinner, the girl told her sister "My monkey has grown hair".

Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".

Their mother fainted right on the dining table.

7thfort · « **Reply #129 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:51:33 AM »

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

7thfort · « **Reply #130 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:52:57 AM »

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

7thfort · « **Reply #131 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:53:48 AM »

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

7thfort · « **Reply #132 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:57:04 AM »

These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM ."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

7thfort · « **Reply #133 on:** February 10, 2013, 09:59:37 AM »

The Light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustratio n, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.....

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.."

Priceless !!!

7thfort · « **Reply #134 on:** February 10, 2013, 10:01:39 AM »

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the f...'n length.

7thfort · « **Reply #135 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:23:50 PM »

Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am..'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

7thfort · « **Reply #136 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:26:03 PM »

The Gracious Queen of England

Late breaking news from London , scene of President Obama's recent visit:

Barak and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.

The Queen turns to Obama, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'

Obama, in best Presidential style replies: 'Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'

7thfort · « **Reply #137 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:27:49 PM »

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

7thfort · « **Reply #138 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:32:06 PM »

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

7thfort · « **Reply #139 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:39:40 PM »

A lady walks into Tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it ..As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts ..

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near .. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her ..

Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's ..

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam .. How may we help you today ??

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'

He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price .."

7thfort · « **Reply #140 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:41:42 PM »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kimosabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.."

”What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

7thfort · « **Reply #141 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:44:36 PM »

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at her funeral..."

7thfort · « **Reply #142 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:45:38 PM »

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a X rated movie featuring a lusty couple having sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says

"You already know how to play golf!"

7thfort · « **Reply #143 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:52:33 PM »

While in China , an English man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
'I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'

7thfort · « **Reply #144 on:** February 13, 2013, 07:59:39 PM »

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. he didn't explain, defend or deny.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night!

(You gotta love Frank!)

7thfort · « **Reply #145 on:** February 13, 2013, 08:01:25 PM »

What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.’

7thfort · « **Reply #146 on:** February 13, 2013, 08:04:20 PM »

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity...
It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results..

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:-

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Walmart! Have a good day.

7thfort · « **Reply #147 on:** February 13, 2013, 08:06:44 PM »

A man went Bandar Baru Klang and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is RM65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Ipoh "

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

7thfort · « **Reply #148 on:** March 07, 2013, 07:23:16 PM »

New AIDS awareness slogan:

Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

7thfort · « **Reply #149 on:** March 07, 2013, 07:24:13 PM »

MIXED UP TESTS

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean ?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful ! Can you do the test again ?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Discovery Medical Aid will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now ?'

'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town… if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’

News:

Author Topic: What A Joke! (Read 140935 times)