Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 147394 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #200 on: May 24, 2013, 12:25:12 PM »
Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #201 on: May 24, 2013, 12:26:13 PM »
A TAP ON THE DRIVER

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #202 on: May 24, 2013, 12:27:19 PM »
Potato Field

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #203 on: May 24, 2013, 12:28:37 PM »
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #204 on: May 24, 2013, 12:30:31 PM »
Boss and his Secretary

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate ?'

Boss was not smart enough to understood, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled !

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, He said, 'When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there ?'

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tyre.'




Offline sshark

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #205 on: May 24, 2013, 07:36:31 PM »
those that i hv not heard before are good :)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #206 on: June 07, 2013, 11:19:40 AM »
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said. ""Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said; "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take ! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought hard about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy".
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The Lord replied; "You want two lanes or four on that bridge ?"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #207 on: June 07, 2013, 11:21:26 AM »
Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems ............."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10 Tell the call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the Maybank call centre number.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #208 on: June 07, 2013, 11:22:53 AM »
A Nun and a Priest

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out,the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me ?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them ?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you ?'

'Yes, Sister ?'

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours ?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it ?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father ?'

'Yes, it is, Sister..'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here !

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #209 on: June 07, 2013, 11:25:40 AM »
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.

The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is a fake".

"Oh no !" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been...raped !!".

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #210 on: June 07, 2013, 11:26:19 AM »
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this ?

Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth !"


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #211 on: June 07, 2013, 11:26:57 AM »
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.

She said, "Aww, so solly... Exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud".


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #212 on: June 07, 2013, 11:29:13 AM »
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.

Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #213 on: June 07, 2013, 11:30:32 AM »
TOILET PAPER

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

(He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he just might be able to walk again.)


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #214 on: June 07, 2013, 11:34:27 AM »
BRA SIZES

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!!

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #215 on: June 07, 2013, 11:35:23 AM »
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #216 on: June 07, 2013, 11:37:18 AM »
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her Neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #217 on: June 20, 2013, 09:04:29 AM »
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.

He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the Right to the Left!”   

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #218 on: June 20, 2013, 09:05:48 AM »
First Guy:
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy:
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy:
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
I just set my alarm for 5 am.
When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? '
She said: 'Wear sun-block."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #219 on: June 20, 2013, 09:07:26 AM »
John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'what is oral ?'

Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too...'


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #220 on: June 20, 2013, 09:09:22 AM »
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #221 on: June 20, 2013, 09:11:41 AM »
What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?

--> did you ever see grass grow on a busy highway?


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #222 on: June 20, 2013, 09:12:54 AM »
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #223 on: June 20, 2013, 09:13:45 AM »
Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does. !?!?


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #224 on: June 20, 2013, 09:14:24 AM »
Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.