Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 150719 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #150 on: March 07, 2013, 07:25:34 PM »
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.

So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".

The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"

The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #151 on: March 07, 2013, 07:27:33 PM »
DO HEARTS HAVE LEGS ?

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart.

After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

Little Bobby stands up and asks, "Teacher, does the heart have legs ?"

She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question ?"

He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS !!! "

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #152 on: March 07, 2013, 07:28:23 PM »
A Russian adoption

John and Patsy were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian ?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #153 on: March 07, 2013, 07:29:26 PM »
And that’s how the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ...

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #154 on: March 07, 2013, 07:31:08 PM »
Scream during Orgasms of Different Types of Women

1. The Optimist - " Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

2. The Pessimist - " Ahh ..... Oh No, Oh No, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

3. The Confused - " Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

4. The Traveler - " Ahh ..... I'm coming, I'm coming ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

5. The Religious - " Ahh ..... Oh God, Oh God..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

6. The Needy - " Ahh ..... More, More, More..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

7. The Beggar - " Ahh ..... Please ..... Please ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

8. The Submariner - " Ahh ..... Ohhhh ..... Deeper ..... Go DEEPER..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

9. The Sports woman - " Ahh ..... Faster ..... Faster ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

10. The Mimicry artist - " Ahh ..... Shhhhh ..... Hsssss ..... Shhhhh ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

11. The Dutiful Daughter - " Ahh ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

12. The Wrestler - " Ahh ..... Hold me tight ..... Rougher ..... Harder ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

13. The Murderer - " Ahh ..... I am going to cum ..... Ahh ..... If you cum before me, I'll kill you ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #155 on: March 31, 2013, 08:35:09 PM »
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #156 on: March 31, 2013, 08:36:42 PM »
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."

The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."

The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #157 on: March 31, 2013, 08:42:07 PM »
Paddy : "Your new secretary is very sexy....."

Seamus : "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen......

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.

Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental......

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".

Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted :

"Seamus….... You bastard!

You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #158 on: March 31, 2013, 08:47:26 PM »
It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread . The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!   

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #159 on: March 31, 2013, 08:57:28 PM »
“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #160 on: March 31, 2013, 09:02:37 PM »
1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April.The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In Amritsar, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Scroll down for the answers



Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #161 on: March 31, 2013, 09:04:41 PM »
The Answers

1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Reena of course

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly.

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In Amitsar, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ...

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #162 on: March 31, 2013, 09:07:28 PM »
The A B C...

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."

She asks...... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....

What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #163 on: March 31, 2013, 09:19:15 PM »
Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is
still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him for any kind of money.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #164 on: March 31, 2013, 09:29:12 PM »
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

=============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================


Offline Empty Tree 8

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #165 on: April 04, 2013, 07:09:20 AM »
As this is a watch forum and in conjunction with the dissolution of Parliament, here's a joke to share :-



A man dies.
.
.
.
In heaven he sees a large Wall full of Clocks

He asks the angel: "What are these for?"

The angel answers: "These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, the clock moves."

The man points towards a clock and  asks: Whose clock is this?

The angel replied  "Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that
she never told lie.

After watching all the clocks on display, the man asks "Where is the politician's clock?

The angel replies: That's in our office... we use it as a table fan".

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #166 on: April 15, 2013, 08:57:55 AM »
Lady was trying on dress.

Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'

Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'

Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #167 on: April 15, 2013, 08:59:38 AM »
THE MIRACLE SHOW

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts.

Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #168 on: April 15, 2013, 09:00:43 AM »
Why is lightning faster than thunder ?

Ah Beng and Ah Lian were on the beach on a stormy night. There were lightning and thunder all over the place.

Ah Lian asked Ah Beng, “Why is it we always see the lightning before we hear the thunder ?

Ah Beng replied, “Ai yah. So simple also you don’t know. Because our eyes are in front of our ears, mah ???

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #169 on: April 15, 2013, 09:02:40 AM »
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I Know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that ?'

The wife said 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #170 on: April 15, 2013, 09:04:21 AM »
Bin Laden Writes to Bush.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #171 on: April 15, 2013, 09:06:11 AM »
FIRST BLONDE GUY JOKE...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again ! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again ! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again !'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #172 on: April 15, 2013, 09:07:22 AM »
DEPRESSION AND OUTSOURCING

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #173 on: April 25, 2013, 09:02:35 PM »
There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #174 on: April 25, 2013, 09:03:52 PM »
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '