Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 144488 times)

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #250 on: July 03, 2013, 04:40:13 PM »
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #251 on: July 03, 2013, 04:41:39 PM »
The Vicars Chickens

Why you should make sure you think before you speak.

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Offline sshark

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1828
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #252 on: July 03, 2013, 04:42:56 PM »
A man boarded a plane with 6 young kids accompanying him.

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints!!

 :thumbsup:

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #253 on: July 03, 2013, 04:43:19 PM »
GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING

Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh. OK.' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunkbeds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #254 on: July 03, 2013, 04:44:40 PM »
SECRET RECIPE

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, 'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily, 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'

To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'

'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says. 'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'

So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'

She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'

The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'

She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see SECRET RECIPE written on my forehead?'

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #255 on: July 03, 2013, 04:46:10 PM »
What A Coincidence !

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that ? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too !'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating !' says the woman.

'What a coincidence !' says the farmer, as they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating ?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant !'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence !!!'

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #256 on: July 07, 2013, 06:10:56 PM »
Lost in Translation:

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


Getting There:
> Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
>
> The hotel:
> This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
>
> The Restaurant:
> Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
>
> Your Room:
> Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
>
> Bed
> Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
>
> Above all:
> When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #257 on: July 15, 2013, 05:04:46 PM »
Saving it Up:

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #258 on: July 16, 2013, 09:41:15 AM »
NAGGING WIFE

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.

"What seems to be the trouble young man ?" asked the old gentleman.

As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there ?".

To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf !!!".

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #259 on: July 16, 2013, 09:42:38 AM »
Why Some Men Rather Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #260 on: July 16, 2013, 09:43:58 AM »
A BIT OF BLONDE

HOW FAR

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking while looking at the moon.....

And one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...... Melbourne or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne. ????? '


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #261 on: July 16, 2013, 09:45:12 AM »
INTERESTING FACTS

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs. !!!

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #262 on: July 16, 2013, 09:46:31 AM »
BABY'S FIRST DOCTOR VISIT

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #263 on: July 16, 2013, 09:51:33 AM »
AUTHORITY

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the power and authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher’s prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get horned before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs…”Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!”


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #264 on: July 24, 2013, 08:26:23 PM »
The Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #265 on: July 24, 2013, 08:28:03 PM »
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #266 on: July 24, 2013, 08:35:54 PM »
Mom was very worried because her six year old son, Tommy is having a small penis. After discussing with dad, they decided to visit their family doctor for advise.

At the clinic, with quite a hesitation, they discussed the "small" problem with the doctor.

After a short examination, the doctor assured the couple that there is nothing to worry about. The doctor said, "Just feed Tommy with pancakes for breakfast. That will solve the problem".

The next morning mom prepared the pancake for breakfast.

Tommy was very excited when he saw a huge pancake for his breakfast. So Tommy asked mom, "Is this pancake for me to finish?"

Mom replied, "No Tommy. You take 2 pieces of the pancake. The rest is for daddy".

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #267 on: July 24, 2013, 08:40:25 PM »
Duplicate Key....PRICELESS!

A little boy asked his Dad:   What’s between mom’s legs?

The father answers:   Paradise, my son.

The kid asks again:   What’s between your legs?

The father replies:   The key to the paradise.

The son says:   Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #268 on: July 24, 2013, 08:42:11 PM »
Going to Harvard may be one's dream. Getting there may not be a reality. This is a story of a 16-year old boy who was awarded a scholarship to attend Harvard. How did he do it?
 
Well, the lad was from New Hampshire.  He won the 'World Title' for the 'Shortest Essay Competition.' and was subsequently awarded a full scholarship at the University of Harvard for his ingenious imagination and humour ...
 
Here's an example of absolute brilliance in brevity. You may laugh at this but you'll agree that this chap was brilliant.
 
Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay with reference to all of the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
 
The prize-winner wrote:
 
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #269 on: July 24, 2013, 08:45:05 PM »
> Husband Store
>
> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
> Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited ..................

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #270 on: July 24, 2013, 08:46:15 PM »
> Advertisement idea

> Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.
>
> The water is enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
>
> The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
>
> Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."
>
> Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog that jumps into the water before she can.
>
> The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
>
> Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what do you think, is the product being advertised ???
> Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your background and mental power.
>
> If you can't figure it out, just scroll down for the answer---
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SEVEN UP

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #271 on: July 24, 2013, 08:50:52 PM »
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #272 on: July 24, 2013, 08:52:28 PM »
A white lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.
The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500.
The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #273 on: August 02, 2013, 02:42:25 PM »
In Catholic school, students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #274 on: August 02, 2013, 02:43:51 PM »
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand.
She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Brenda has a pink sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried..