Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 79193 times)

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
What A Joke!
« on: November 19, 2012, 01:04:09 PM »
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

Offline sshark

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1812
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2012, 01:22:58 PM »
hahhahah... finally the true face is unveiled

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2012, 03:52:14 PM »
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline Alvin-8880

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 586
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2012, 04:57:48 PM »
good one, Lim.  :thumbsup:

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2012, 07:43:09 PM »
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
 
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted.  'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2012, 08:07:23 PM »
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
 
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted.  'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 


 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline Alvin-8880

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 586
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2012, 10:38:20 PM »
He used his tongue to ring the bell isit?

Offline David_cheong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1745
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2012, 08:54:12 AM »
Alvin

Either his tongue or his brother will do the trick on bed...la. And he is qualify.

dc
I am almost a recovered watchaholic, but last checked shows only 70% recovered. How?

Offline Alvin-8880

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 586
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #8 on: November 21, 2012, 09:31:53 AM »
Talk from experience...  ;D

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2012, 11:00:44 AM »
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."

Offline lowengen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 288
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2012, 11:38:06 AM »
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."

Shouldn't it be "chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic HOOD."?

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2012, 12:03:34 PM »
an old joke:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you are this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist!"

Offline Taga

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2012, 02:51:57 PM »
an old joke:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you are this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: ... Good one!  :thumbsup:

Offline Taga

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2012, 02:56:03 PM »
Some watch jokes picked up over the net:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"


____________________________________________________________________________

-"Mr. Officer! The robbers have just token my Swiss watch!"
-"Why you didn’t cry and call the police?"
-"Am I crazy? I kept my mouth shut. I have golden tooth!"


____________________________________________________________________________

2 policemen are talking. One noticed that the second one is wearing a golden “Corum” watch.
-"Wow. Got paycheck?"
-"Kind of..."
-"Oh, you locked up some Mafia Don?"
-"No, I let him go…"


_____________________________________________________________________________

If you want to check if this Swiss Made watch is not fake…just drop it on the floor at the store. If it’s real, the shop assistant should die from a heart attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________

When you are buying a Swiss watch you understand, that time – is money.

Offline sshark

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1812
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2012, 04:49:52 PM »
I like the last joke. Time is money

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #15 on: November 21, 2012, 06:00:13 PM »
I was in a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point.

The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .
« Last Edit: November 21, 2012, 06:05:07 PM by 7thfort »

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #16 on: November 22, 2012, 11:04:43 AM »
Highly rated MEN's profession from  Women's point of view,

1. The Doctor - because he says "take your clothes off"

2. The Dentist - because he says "open wide"

3. The Telecom guy - because he says "would you like it on the table or against the wall"

4. The Milkman - because he says "do you want it at the front or the back"

5. The Interior Decorator - because he say "once it is in, you will love it"

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #17 on: November 22, 2012, 11:47:15 AM »
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! " The Teacher fainted."

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2012, 11:49:07 AM »
One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. "

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #19 on: November 22, 2012, 11:54:08 AM »
An old 1 :-

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! "

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #20 on: November 22, 2012, 01:27:35 PM »
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #21 on: November 22, 2012, 01:28:51 PM »
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #22 on: November 22, 2012, 01:29:48 PM »
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #23 on: November 22, 2012, 01:31:24 PM »
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging around!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #24 on: November 22, 2012, 01:34:09 PM »
This happened when Udurawana's 4th child was born.
He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Child  : Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
Says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."