Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 86188 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #450 on: April 12, 2016, 11:42:03 AM »
What's the best example of "once in a lifetime opportunity?"

A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #451 on: April 12, 2016, 11:44:49 AM »
A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you RM3,000,000.00 less 15%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary : "Everything sir! Dress, bra, panties, everything"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #452 on: April 12, 2016, 11:47:18 AM »
Women's lives are hard.

Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes. Evening, keep clothes. Night, iron clothes.

Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #453 on: April 12, 2016, 11:49:49 AM »
Ah Beng from Johor Bahru was driving to Kuala Lumpur with his girlfriend.

While driving, he placed his hand on her thigh.

She smiled and blushingly said, you can go further!

Ah Beng went to Ipoh.

Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #454 on: July 03, 2016, 08:26:24 AM »
Another England National Soccer Team joke.
????????????????

England goalie JoeHart is too ashamed to go out after the Euro 16 fiasco.

One day he went to the mall disguised as an old woman. Another old woman went up and asked u Joe Hart right?
Joe replied no no no and ran off.

Joe put on even more make up and went to another mall the next day. But the same woman saw him and asked u r Joe Hart right? Joe screamed no and ran off.

The next day Joe made himself really old and went to a third mall. Alas the same old woman went to him and said I am sure u r Joe Hart...

Exasperated, Joe asked how u recognise me?

The old woman replied psssst...I am Wayne Rooney...
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #455 on: July 16, 2016, 03:42:54 PM »
*Did I read that sign right?*


In an office:
*TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW*

In a Laundromat:
*AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT*

In a London department store:
*BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS*

In an office:
*WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN*

In an office:
*AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD*

Outside a secondhand shop:
*WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?*

Notice in health food shop window:
*CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS*

Spotted in a safari park:
*ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR*

Seen during a conference:
*FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR*

Notice in a farmer's field:
*THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES*.

On a repair shop door:
*WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)*




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Offline D'Andy

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #456 on: August 11, 2016, 10:41:13 AM »
A college Maths professor and his wife have just turned 60 years old.
 
On the evening of their birthdays, the wife came home expecting flowers but found a scribbled note from her husband that read,
"My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no excite me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returned home late that night to find a note from his wife:

"You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Boys' College Dorm with some of your 20-year-old students. Being a Maths professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, please don't wait up for me."
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #457 on: August 24, 2016, 10:34:00 AM »
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Offline danslater

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #458 on: August 25, 2016, 10:17:37 AM »
good one 7th
In the pursuit of happiness, in form and function

Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #459 on: August 29, 2016, 11:16:03 AM »
Pun for watch lovers

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Offline jeffco

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #460 on: August 30, 2016, 12:07:43 PM »
This happened when Udurawana's 4th child was born.
He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Child  : Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
Says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."

hahaha ;). simple jokes but funny

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #461 on: September 12, 2016, 09:39:51 AM »
2 kids were arguing over whose father is the most coward.

The 1st one says, "my dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes, my dad slides underneath our bed".

The 2nd kid goes, "that is nothing. My date is so scared that when mummy works night shift, he sleeps with the Aunty next door."
« Last Edit: September 12, 2016, 06:51:07 PM by 7thfort »

Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #462 on: September 12, 2016, 03:49:57 PM »
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "here is a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. the gator will close his mouth for

Punch line?


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Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #463 on: September 12, 2016, 06:51:54 PM »
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "here is a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. the gator will close his mouth for

Punch line?

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Sorry, forgot to save and all lost.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #464 on: September 12, 2016, 06:56:26 PM »
In an old folks home, 80 years old George said : I miss sex life so much.

76 years old Julia : How can I help?

George : I'd feel good if you could just hold my Tool. So Julia held his tool and they kept talking all nite.

This continued every nite for 2 weeks, then Julia saw George with another old lady holding his Tool.

Julia furiously ask : U cheap bastard. What does she have that I don't have?

George calmly replied : She has 'Parkinsons'

Offline D'Andy

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #465 on: September 16, 2016, 09:35:35 AM »
My two boys walked into a pharmacy. Alex, the older boy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked him, “Son, how old are you?”
“Seven,” Alex replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
Alex replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for Aiden here. He’s three.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes,” Alex said. “We saw on TV that if you used these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #466 on: September 26, 2016, 10:58:02 AM »
When you lie on your resume but still get the job.

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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #467 on: October 06, 2016, 07:49:29 AM »
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #468 on: October 17, 2016, 08:30:00 AM »
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Offline D'Andy

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #469 on: October 18, 2016, 09:42:52 AM »
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task.

Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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Offline D'Andy

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #470 on: October 19, 2016, 09:06:07 AM »
After 10 years of marriage, Jamal dumped his wife for his young campaign secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jamal and Hana’s multi-million dollar home and since the Jamal’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Hana, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the 2nd day, she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on nasi lemak, a bowl of fresh udang rebus berbumbu, a small jar of sambal petai, and a bottle of Perrier.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten prawn shells dipped in sambal petai into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything – cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. The repairman refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #471 on: October 21, 2016, 02:11:33 PM »
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #472 on: November 02, 2016, 02:18:33 PM »


Math puns
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #473 on: December 01, 2016, 11:22:47 AM »
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Offline meoramri

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #474 on: December 21, 2016, 11:56:28 AM »
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