Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 80340 times)

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #25 on: November 22, 2012, 02:43:40 PM »
Some watch jokes picked up over the net:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"


____________________________________________________________________________

-"Mr. Officer! The robbers have just token my Swiss watch!"
-"Why you didn’t cry and call the police?"
-"Am I crazy? I kept my mouth shut. I have golden tooth!"


____________________________________________________________________________

2 policemen are talking. One noticed that the second one is wearing a golden “Corum” watch.
-"Wow. Got paycheck?"
-"Kind of..."
-"Oh, you locked up some Mafia Don?"
-"No, I let him go…"


_____________________________________________________________________________

If you want to check if this Swiss Made watch is not fake…just drop it on the floor at the store. If it’s real, the shop assistant should die from a heart attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________

When you are buying a Swiss watch you understand, that time – is money.

the second last one remind me of one of my friend who told his wife his rolex daytona is a fake watch after his wife persistently asked how much the watch cost... but she did not drop it on the floor. she just said "how come there's a ding on your watch?"... the look on his face - priceless  :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #26 on: November 22, 2012, 02:45:31 PM »
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #27 on: November 22, 2012, 03:11:28 PM »
Lol....

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. " The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? "

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #28 on: November 22, 2012, 03:17:31 PM »
This is my fav , a little old wat the heck ... Enjoy !!


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Offline kiamat

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #29 on: November 23, 2012, 07:10:41 AM »
This is my fav , a little old wat the heck ... Enjoy !!


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline am_sober

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 265
  • it's time~! ^^
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #30 on: November 23, 2012, 07:42:24 AM »
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

this is just awesome~  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #31 on: November 23, 2012, 09:10:31 AM »
Two IRISH MEN were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one too.'
 
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'

The second IRISHMAN replies...... 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #32 on: November 23, 2012, 09:14:50 AM »
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,  And begins to read her book... The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.. What are you doing?' 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.   
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Offline Taga

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #33 on: November 23, 2012, 04:03:19 PM »
Watch Jokes

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

“Excuse me,”
the husband says, “could you tell us the time?”

“Absolutely”, replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey’s balls. “It is 3:00?, the man exclaims.

“Thank you” replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: “It is now 4:45.”

By this time the husband is completely amazed. “Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey’s balls!”

“Certainly,” the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. “Sit here where I am,” the man begins. “Now, do you see the donkey’s balls?”

“Of course”, the man replies. “Now reach down and take them into your hand.” Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. “Now, slowly lift the donkey’s balls”, he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

“Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs.” The husband does just that.

“Now” the man says, “can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?”

____________________________________________________________________________

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. “Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #34 on: November 23, 2012, 04:56:56 PM »
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake " says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher. " To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. "

Offline Taga

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #35 on: November 23, 2012, 05:37:33 PM »
Why don't you carry a wrist watch?

A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #36 on: November 30, 2012, 09:58:06 AM »
As Wally's teacher, I don't know how to put this, Mrs Bulova, but ... well ... your son is a little slow.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #37 on: November 30, 2012, 10:03:19 AM »
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other better since relations between them were very sour.
 
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
 
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her,"Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so much, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?" to which she replied,

"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #38 on: November 30, 2012, 10:04:31 AM »
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice  urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"                                       

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #39 on: November 30, 2012, 10:06:56 AM »
THE PREACHER SAID:

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river''

And the congregation cried, 'Amen! '

And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'

And the congregation cried, 'Amen!'

'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river'
 
Again the congregation cried, 'Amen!'

Finally the preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing:

'We shall drink from that River.'

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED 'HALLELUYAAAAAA'.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #40 on: November 30, 2012, 10:12:54 AM »
Word of the day

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated:  Just too tired to give a shit.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #41 on: December 10, 2012, 07:08:14 PM »
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom  sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
 

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #42 on: December 10, 2012, 07:13:13 PM »
Waiting in Doncaster, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. 
 
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 
 
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as  ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't  understand,  I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other  drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit  exactly.. Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.   

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out  her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the  A120."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #43 on: December 10, 2012, 07:15:03 PM »
Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not in fact cancerous.  It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.
 

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #44 on: December 10, 2012, 07:21:22 PM »
"YOUNG MEN SPEAK OF THE FUTURE BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO PAST"
 
"BUT OLD MEN SPEAK OF THE PAST BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO FUTURE"
 
"WOMEN SPEAK OF THE PRESENT, BECAUSE THEY'VE LEARNED FROM THE PAST EXPERIENCE NOT TO TRUST MEN TO GET THINGS DONE IN THE FUTURE"

Offline RaymondT

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • I'm STILL a ball lover
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #45 on: December 11, 2012, 12:04:58 PM »
WHY?..
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down " and "slow up " mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance " mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands " when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark " when it really is "after light "?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected " make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #46 on: December 18, 2012, 04:03:40 PM »
An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Police Force.

The Sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit."
 
"Why the rabbit?” asked the man.

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
 

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #47 on: December 18, 2012, 04:07:54 PM »
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
 

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #48 on: December 18, 2012, 04:09:32 PM »
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
 
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
 
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 726
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #49 on: December 18, 2012, 04:11:22 PM »
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
 
(Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)