Malaysia Watch Forum

Off Topic => Other Discussion (OT Discussion) => Topic started by: 7thfort on November 19, 2012, 01:04:09 PM

Title: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 19, 2012, 01:04:09 PM
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sshark on November 19, 2012, 01:22:58 PM
hahhahah... finally the true face is unveiled
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 19, 2012, 03:52:14 PM
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Alvin-8880 on November 19, 2012, 04:57:48 PM
good one, Lim.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 20, 2012, 07:43:09 PM
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
 
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted.  'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 20, 2012, 08:07:23 PM
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
 
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted.  'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 


 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Alvin-8880 on November 20, 2012, 10:38:20 PM
He used his tongue to ring the bell isit?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: David_cheong on November 21, 2012, 08:54:12 AM
Alvin

Either his tongue or his brother will do the trick on bed...la. And he is qualify.

dc
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Alvin-8880 on November 21, 2012, 09:31:53 AM
Talk from experience...  ;D
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 21, 2012, 11:00:44 AM
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: lowengen on November 21, 2012, 11:38:06 AM
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."

Shouldn't it be "chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic HOOD."?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 21, 2012, 12:03:34 PM
an old joke:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you are this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Taga on November 21, 2012, 02:51:57 PM
an old joke:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you are this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: ... Good one!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Taga on November 21, 2012, 02:56:03 PM
Some watch jokes picked up over the net:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"


____________________________________________________________________________

-"Mr. Officer! The robbers have just token my Swiss watch!"
-"Why you didn’t cry and call the police?"
-"Am I crazy? I kept my mouth shut. I have golden tooth!"


____________________________________________________________________________

2 policemen are talking. One noticed that the second one is wearing a golden “Corum” watch.
-"Wow. Got paycheck?"
-"Kind of..."
-"Oh, you locked up some Mafia Don?"
-"No, I let him go…"


_____________________________________________________________________________

If you want to check if this Swiss Made watch is not fake…just drop it on the floor at the store. If it’s real, the shop assistant should die from a heart attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________

When you are buying a Swiss watch you understand, that time – is money.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sshark on November 21, 2012, 04:49:52 PM
I like the last joke. Time is money
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 21, 2012, 06:00:13 PM
I was in a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point.

The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 11:04:43 AM
Highly rated MEN's profession from  Women's point of view,

1. The Doctor - because he says "take your clothes off"

2. The Dentist - because he says "open wide"

3. The Telecom guy - because he says "would you like it on the table or against the wall"

4. The Milkman - because he says "do you want it at the front or the back"

5. The Interior Decorator - because he say "once it is in, you will love it"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 22, 2012, 11:47:15 AM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! " The Teacher fainted."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 22, 2012, 11:49:07 AM
One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 22, 2012, 11:54:08 AM
An old 1 :-

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 01:27:35 PM
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 01:28:51 PM
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 01:29:48 PM
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 01:31:24 PM
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging around!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 22, 2012, 01:34:09 PM
This happened when Udurawana's 4th child was born.
He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Child  : Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
Says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 22, 2012, 02:43:40 PM
Some watch jokes picked up over the net:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don"t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, TIME'S UP?"


____________________________________________________________________________

-"Mr. Officer! The robbers have just token my Swiss watch!"
-"Why you didn’t cry and call the police?"
-"Am I crazy? I kept my mouth shut. I have golden tooth!"


____________________________________________________________________________

2 policemen are talking. One noticed that the second one is wearing a golden “Corum” watch.
-"Wow. Got paycheck?"
-"Kind of..."
-"Oh, you locked up some Mafia Don?"
-"No, I let him go…"


_____________________________________________________________________________

If you want to check if this Swiss Made watch is not fake…just drop it on the floor at the store. If it’s real, the shop assistant should die from a heart attack.

_____________________________________________________________________________

When you are buying a Swiss watch you understand, that time – is money.

the second last one remind me of one of my friend who told his wife his rolex daytona is a fake watch after his wife persistently asked how much the watch cost... but she did not drop it on the floor. she just said "how come there's a ding on your watch?"... the look on his face - priceless  :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 22, 2012, 02:45:31 PM
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 22, 2012, 03:11:28 PM
Lol....

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. " The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 22, 2012, 03:17:31 PM
This is my fav , a little old wat the heck ... Enjoy !!


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on November 23, 2012, 07:10:41 AM
This is my fav , a little old wat the heck ... Enjoy !!


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on November 23, 2012, 07:42:24 AM
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

this is just awesome~  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 23, 2012, 09:10:31 AM
Two IRISH MEN were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one too.'
 
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'

The second IRISHMAN replies...... 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 23, 2012, 09:14:50 AM
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,  And begins to read her book... The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.. What are you doing?' 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.   
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Taga on November 23, 2012, 04:03:19 PM
Watch Jokes

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

“Excuse me,”
the husband says, “could you tell us the time?”

“Absolutely”, replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey’s balls. “It is 3:00?, the man exclaims.

“Thank you” replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: “It is now 4:45.”

By this time the husband is completely amazed. “Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey’s balls!”

“Certainly,” the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. “Sit here where I am,” the man begins. “Now, do you see the donkey’s balls?”

“Of course”, the man replies. “Now reach down and take them into your hand.” Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. “Now, slowly lift the donkey’s balls”, he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

“Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs.” The husband does just that.

“Now” the man says, “can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?”

____________________________________________________________________________

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. “Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on November 23, 2012, 04:56:56 PM
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake " says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher. " To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Taga on November 23, 2012, 05:37:33 PM
Why don't you carry a wrist watch?

A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 30, 2012, 09:58:06 AM
As Wally's teacher, I don't know how to put this, Mrs Bulova, but ... well ... your son is a little slow.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 30, 2012, 10:03:19 AM
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other better since relations between them were very sour.
 
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
 
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her,"Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so much, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?" to which she replied,

"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 30, 2012, 10:04:31 AM
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice  urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"                                       
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 30, 2012, 10:06:56 AM
THE PREACHER SAID:

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river''

And the congregation cried, 'Amen! '

And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'

And the congregation cried, 'Amen!'

'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river'
 
Again the congregation cried, 'Amen!'

Finally the preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing:

'We shall drink from that River.'

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED 'HALLELUYAAAAAA'.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 30, 2012, 10:12:54 AM
Word of the day

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated:  Just too tired to give a shit.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 10, 2012, 07:08:14 PM
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom  sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 10, 2012, 07:13:13 PM
Waiting in Doncaster, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. 
 
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 
 
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as  ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't  understand,  I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other  drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit  exactly.. Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.   

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out  her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the  A120."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 10, 2012, 07:15:03 PM
Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not in fact cancerous.  It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 10, 2012, 07:21:22 PM
"YOUNG MEN SPEAK OF THE FUTURE BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO PAST"
 
"BUT OLD MEN SPEAK OF THE PAST BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO FUTURE"
 
"WOMEN SPEAK OF THE PRESENT, BECAUSE THEY'VE LEARNED FROM THE PAST EXPERIENCE NOT TO TRUST MEN TO GET THINGS DONE IN THE FUTURE"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RaymondT on December 11, 2012, 12:04:58 PM
WHY?..
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down " and "slow up " mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance " mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands " when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark " when it really is "after light "?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected " make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:03:40 PM
An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Police Force.

The Sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit."
 
"Why the rabbit?” asked the man.

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:07:54 PM
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:09:32 PM
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
 
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
 
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:11:22 PM
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
 
(Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:12:40 PM
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 
(I know some people like that.)
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:13:15 PM
Starfish don't have brains.
 
(I know some people like that, too.)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:14:13 PM
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
 
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:17:22 PM
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow
a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:18:34 PM
Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea.

It doesn't help your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft....
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 18, 2012, 04:21:20 PM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
“Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.”
 
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
“What would you want to talk about?”
 
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell,
or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
 
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says,
“Hmmm, I have no idea.”
 
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
 
 
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:47:29 PM
In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT                 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:49:00 PM
Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.                 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:49:34 PM
On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)   
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:50:23 PM
Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR               
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:51:10 PM
Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A  WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:52:23 PM
Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:53:07 PM
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:53:56 PM
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:55:26 PM
Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:56:18 PM
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:57:19 PM
In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:58:00 PM
In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:58:38 PM
In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 06:59:31 PM
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:01:24 PM
Ah Beng : If I  die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will  u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:02:13 PM
Ah Beng : People consider me as a  'GOD'

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today,  everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come  again.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:03:02 PM
Ah Beng  complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my  house.'

Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'

Ah Beng : 'I was  watching TV news...'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:03:54 PM
Ah  Beng  comes back to his car & find a note saying 'Parking  Fine'

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for  compliment.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:04:34 PM
How do  you recognize Ah Beng  in School?

He is the one who erases the  notes from the book when the teacher erases the  board.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:05:51 PM
Once  Ah  Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man  asked him why he did so.

He replied that the weather forecast announced  that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be  hot.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 24, 2012, 07:08:41 PM
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship..  I was shocked..
--------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice
       
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on December 26, 2012, 06:18:40 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:54:05 PM
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:55:02 PM
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:55:45 PM
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:56:31 PM
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:57:32 PM
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 06:58:55 PM
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy sod busy.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:02:59 PM
A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
 
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
 
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points  to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I  want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word  'Diwali.'
 
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'
 
The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
 
'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali  and Christmas..
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:05:17 PM
When a married man says, I’ll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife's opinion yet.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:11:24 PM
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... And after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:12:55 PM
On a SIA flight to KL
 
S'porean Passenger to Stewardess:
Hallo Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah?? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him­.
 
Stewardess:
?????? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir....
 
Passenger:
You know Kevin Khoo la, ­even the Captain is always looking for him ­Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off­. Kevin Khoo please return to your station ­Kevin Khoo p.....lease disarm all doors­....Kevin Khoo please be seated for landing­....aiyo! he's so busy la­. Why you all never help him one??
 
Stewardess:
Sir, there are 12 of us Kevin Khoos on this flight;­ and it's cabin crew ....not Kevin Khoo!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:14:26 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

The husband said: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 01, 2013, 07:18:32 PM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 07:53:19 AM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
 
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own bloody blanket.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 07:55:40 AM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of US$10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing US$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido: “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says:

"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 07:58:39 AM
Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife for Valentines Day. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
 
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
 
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I've an idea  It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief!  You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at noon.  The coffin will be closed.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:03:26 AM
Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:04:25 AM
Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth.

Why?

Because his doctor advised him:  "Today's dinner should be light !"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:07:34 AM
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more !

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:08:18 AM
Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India .

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What "which part"? Whole body was born in India .
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:09:25 AM
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

He wrote:  "Due To Rain, No Match!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:12:12 AM
The Coffee Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:13:13 AM
Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:14:01 AM
Variation Law-

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:14:42 AM
Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:15:33 AM
Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 12, 2013, 08:19:04 AM
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: kiamat on January 12, 2013, 03:18:50 PM
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: GMTmaster on January 12, 2013, 06:51:08 PM
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Oh... that is why good nurses can prolong a man's life...  amazing.  ;D
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL on January 12, 2013, 07:58:33 PM
good one on the farewell cuba :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: ronaldindin on January 20, 2013, 12:13:20 PM
maybe they did mess up his hormone? hehe
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 06:58:05 PM
Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint . . . And a shovel."

Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?"

The doc replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw," you hit her with the shovel."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 06:59:39 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:01:04 PM
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.

He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice !

Husband: Twice ? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once ?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:02:58 PM
The 11th Husband !!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .. "This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:04:48 PM
OLD GIRLS TALKING

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers !

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure !

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times !"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious !... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him ?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:08:46 PM
YES, YOUR HONOUR...

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia, ie. that is - making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key !"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;

2. She was my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way !"

So ladies try to move a little during the game !!...........
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:10:29 PM
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs ?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6 Is it a penal offence ?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good !

3. Can you get him to drop his suit ?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't....

1. Think you can get me off ?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:11:47 PM
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome ?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip !

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't ....

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first !
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:14:03 PM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life ."

"How can you say such a thing ?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing ? It got ripped off when the truck hit you !!!"

"OH, MY GOD !!!" screamed the lawyer.

"MY ROLEX !!!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:15:31 PM
Punjabi Mathematics.

Punjabi woman says to her mother: 

'I'm divorcing Kuldip.... all he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.'

Mother responds:

'You're married to a millionaire lawyer
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Kuala Lumpur
you drive a Mercedes 300SEL
you get RM10,000 a week allowance ...
you take 6 vacations a year
.........and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ?'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 24, 2013, 07:18:42 PM
VIAGRA FOR DIARRHEA

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good ! And what is it used for ?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for ?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'oh dear.... and.. Johnny, what is it used for ?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this ?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder !!!.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on February 01, 2013, 02:19:00 PM
The 11th Husband !!!


"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .. "This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

 :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:03:09 AM
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony ?a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:06:21 AM
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and  forth........in and out...in and out.
 
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
 
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
.
.
.
.
.


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the @#$&ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:09:59 AM
Alaska Retirement

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
 
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
 
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night . Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..
 
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
 
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.'
 
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
 
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again.'
 
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
 
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.

'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
 
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:12:35 AM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year,  his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,  "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers,  'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:29:15 AM
An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:36:58 AM
Sam and Peter, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Sam didn't show up.

Peter didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
 
But after Sam hadn't shown up for a week or so, Peter really got worried.
 
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Peter didn't know
where Sam lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
 
A month had passed, and Peter figured he had seen the last of Sam, but one day,
Peter approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Sam!
 
Peter was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Sam, what in the world happened to you?'
 
Sam replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail!' cried Peter.

What in the world for?'

'Well,' Sam said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'


'Yeah,' said Peter, 'I remember her.
 
What about her?'
 
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 75 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty".
 
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:40:59 AM
 There was a Mr.Singh applying for a medical school to become a doctor. Sadly,he never make it. You know why?

These are some of the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

************

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:45:23 AM
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM                                       
I would have given him 100%                                               
                                                                           
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?                                     
* his last battle                                                         
                                                                           
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?                     
* at the bottom of the page                                               
                                                                           
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?                                     
* liquid                                                                 
                                                                           
Q4 What is the main reason for divorce?                                   
* marriage                                                               
                                                                           
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?                                 
* exams                                                                   
                                                                           
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?                                 
* Lunch & dinner                                                         
                                                                           
Q7. What looks like half an apple?                                       
* The other half                                                         
                                                                           
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?       
* It will simply become wet                                               
                                                                           
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?                       
* No problem, he sleeps at night.                                         
                                                                           
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?                         
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..               
                                                                           
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?                   
* Very large hands                                                       
                                                                           
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?                                               
* No time at all, the wall is already built.                             
                                                                           
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.               
                                                                           

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:47:08 AM
A girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs. She got worried and asked her mother about it. Her mother calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey and be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled.........

At dinner, the girl told her sister "My monkey has grown hair".

Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
 
Their mother fainted right on the dining table.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:51:33 AM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:52:57 AM
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:53:48 AM
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:57:04 AM
These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone  2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM ."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 09:59:37 AM
The Light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
 
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustratio n, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
 
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.....
 
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
 
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
 
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.."
 
Priceless !!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 10, 2013, 10:01:39 AM
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the f...'n length.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:23:50 PM
Baptising an Irishman
 
An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
 
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
 
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am..'
 
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
 
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
 
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:26:03 PM
The Gracious Queen of England

Late breaking news from London , scene of President Obama's recent  visit:

Barak and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.

The Queen turns to Obama, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'
 
Obama, in best Presidential style replies: 'Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:27:49 PM
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
 
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
 
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:32:06 PM
An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:39:40 PM
A lady walks into Tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it ..As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts ..
 
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near .. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her ..

Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's .. 

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam .. How may we help you today ??

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,  'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'

He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price .."   
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:41:42 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger  and says, "Kimosabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.."

”What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:44:36 PM
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at her funeral..."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:45:38 PM
A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a X rated movie featuring a lusty couple having sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game",  he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says
 
"You already know how to play golf!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:52:33 PM
While in China , an English man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.   

When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
'I'm sorry,  but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
 
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks.  Fawl off by itself!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 07:59:39 PM
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
 
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. he didn't explain, defend or deny.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night!

(You gotta love Frank!)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 08:01:25 PM
What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.’
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 08:04:20 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
 
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity...
It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results..

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:-

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Walmart! Have a good day.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2013, 08:06:44 PM
A man went Bandar Baru Klang and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is RM65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Ipoh "

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is." 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:23:16 PM
New AIDS awareness slogan:

Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:24:13 PM
MIXED UP TESTS

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean ?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful ! Can you do the test again ?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Discovery Medical Aid will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now ?'

'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town… if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:25:34 PM
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.

So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".

The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"

The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:27:33 PM
DO HEARTS HAVE LEGS ?

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart.

After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

Little Bobby stands up and asks, "Teacher, does the heart have legs ?"

She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question ?"

He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS !!! "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:28:23 PM
A Russian adoption

John and Patsy were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian ?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:29:26 PM
And that’s how the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 07, 2013, 07:31:08 PM
Scream during Orgasms of Different Types of Women

1. The Optimist - " Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

2. The Pessimist - " Ahh ..... Oh No, Oh No, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

3. The Confused - " Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

4. The Traveler - " Ahh ..... I'm coming, I'm coming ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

5. The Religious - " Ahh ..... Oh God, Oh God..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

6. The Needy - " Ahh ..... More, More, More..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

7. The Beggar - " Ahh ..... Please ..... Please ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

8. The Submariner - " Ahh ..... Ohhhh ..... Deeper ..... Go DEEPER..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

9. The Sports woman - " Ahh ..... Faster ..... Faster ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

10. The Mimicry artist - " Ahh ..... Shhhhh ..... Hsssss ..... Shhhhh ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

11. The Dutiful Daughter - " Ahh ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

12. The Wrestler - " Ahh ..... Hold me tight ..... Rougher ..... Harder ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

13. The Murderer - " Ahh ..... I am going to cum ..... Ahh ..... If you cum before me, I'll kill you ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 08:35:09 PM
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 08:36:42 PM
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."

The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."

The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 08:42:07 PM
Paddy : "Your new secretary is very sexy....."

Seamus : "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen......

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.

Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental......

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".

Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted :

"Seamus….... You bastard!

You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 08:47:26 PM
It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread . The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!   
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 08:57:28 PM
“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 09:02:37 PM
1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April.The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In Amritsar, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Scroll down for the answers


Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 09:04:41 PM
The Answers

1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Reena of course

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly.

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In Amitsar, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 09:07:28 PM
The A B C...

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."

She asks...... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....

What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 09:19:15 PM
Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is
still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him for any kind of money.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 31, 2013, 09:29:12 PM
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

=============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: Empty Tree 8 on April 04, 2013, 07:09:20 AM
As this is a watch forum and in conjunction with the dissolution of Parliament, here's a joke to share :-



A man dies.
.
.
.
In heaven he sees a large Wall full of Clocks

He asks the angel: "What are these for?"

The angel answers: "These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, the clock moves."

The man points towards a clock and  asks: Whose clock is this?

The angel replied  "Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that
she never told lie.

After watching all the clocks on display, the man asks "Where is the politician's clock?

The angel replies: That's in our office... we use it as a table fan".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 08:57:55 AM
Lady was trying on dress.

Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'

Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'

Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 08:59:38 AM
THE MIRACLE SHOW

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts.

Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 09:00:43 AM
Why is lightning faster than thunder ?

Ah Beng and Ah Lian were on the beach on a stormy night. There were lightning and thunder all over the place.

Ah Lian asked Ah Beng, “Why is it we always see the lightning before we hear the thunder ?

Ah Beng replied, “Ai yah. So simple also you don’t know. Because our eyes are in front of our ears, mah ???”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 09:02:40 AM
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I Know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that ?'

The wife said 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 09:04:21 AM
Bin Laden Writes to Bush.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 09:06:11 AM
FIRST BLONDE GUY JOKE...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again ! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again ! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again !'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 15, 2013, 09:07:22 AM
DEPRESSION AND OUTSOURCING

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:02:35 PM
There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:03:52 PM
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:05:07 PM
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:06:20 PM
CANADIAN NAMES

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu.

When they moved to Canada, they decided to change their names.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu....

well, he decided to go back to China.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:07:21 PM
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

1. compliment her,
2. cuddle her,
3. kiss her,
4. caress her,
5. love her,
6. stroke her,
7. tease her,
8. comfort her,
9. protect her,
10. hug her,
11. hold her,
12. spend money on her,
13. wine and dine her,
14. buy things for her,
15. listen to her,
16. care for her,
17. stand by her,
18. support her,
19. go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:08:23 PM
A macho husband was asked 'Do you Sleep with other women?

He replied:' Hey I sleep only with my wife. With the others I stay awake all night!!!

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 25, 2013, 09:09:21 PM
LANGUAGE OF SEX

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............ "Is that one word or two?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dpkong on April 25, 2013, 11:10:54 PM
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '

If she was a WIS-blonde, she would have named them Rolex and Tudor. Or if hardcore WIS, she would have got 3 dogs and called them Audemars, Patek and Vacheron...

 :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: bezelnut on April 26, 2013, 08:35:55 AM

If she was a WIS-blonde, she would have named them Rolex and Tudor. Or if hardcore WIS, she would have got 3 dogs and called them Audemars, Patek and Vacheron...

 :Laughing_on_floor:

LOL...Are you taking this too seriously?  ;D

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on April 30, 2013, 09:47:40 AM
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '

but this seriously made me laugh~ LOL~
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: ronaldindin on April 30, 2013, 07:50:19 PM
hahahahaah great come back from doctor! great joke
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sitizubaidah on May 10, 2013, 03:27:47 PM
 :Laughing_on_floor: this so mean
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:00:45 AM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:02:12 AM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:03:33 AM
Ever Wonder Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne

Dear Anne:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:05:59 AM
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:07:09 AM
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:08:02 AM
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:14:13 AM
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:23:27 AM
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.

His wife says, 'Where are you going?' He said, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

And she said, 'Are you sick?'

'No' he said, 'I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.'

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said,' Where are you going?'.

She said, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He said, 'Why?'

She said, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:24:08 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:25:35 AM
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 13, 2013, 09:26:34 AM
A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit.

Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says "Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you."

"How do you know she's a ballerina?"

"Well, no one else would get their leg up that high."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dpkong on May 13, 2013, 09:15:27 PM
Ever Wonder Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne

Dear Anne:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

He should have asked Anne if she was blonde, and if so, to check the fuel gauge as well.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on May 14, 2013, 07:47:41 AM
He should have asked Anne if she was blonde, and if so, to check the fuel gauge as well.

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sitizubaidah on May 16, 2013, 02:33:11 PM
 :Laughing_on_floor: i can't stop laughing!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:22:40 PM
DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die soon," she replied.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:25:12 PM
Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:26:13 PM
A TAP ON THE DRIVER

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:27:19 PM
Potato Field

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:28:37 PM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 24, 2013, 12:30:31 PM
Boss and his Secretary

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate ?'

Boss was not smart enough to understood, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled !

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, He said, 'When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there ?'

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, 'No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tyre.'



Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sshark on May 24, 2013, 07:36:31 PM
those that i hv not heard before are good :)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:19:40 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said. ""Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said; "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take ! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought hard about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Lord replied; "You want two lanes or four on that bridge ?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:21:26 AM
Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems ............."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10 Tell the call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the Maybank call centre number.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:22:53 AM
A Nun and a Priest

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out,the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me ?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them ?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you ?'

'Yes, Sister ?'

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours ?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it ?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father ?'

'Yes, it is, Sister..'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here !
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:25:40 AM
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.

The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is a fake".

"Oh no !" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been...raped !!".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:26:19 AM
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this ?

Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth !"

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:26:57 AM
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.

She said, "Aww, so solly... Exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud".

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:29:13 AM
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.

Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:30:32 AM
TOILET PAPER

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

(He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he just might be able to walk again.)

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:34:27 AM
BRA SIZES

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:35:23 AM
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 07, 2013, 11:37:18 AM
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her Neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:04:29 AM
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.

He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the Right to the Left!”   
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:05:48 AM
First Guy:
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy:
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy:
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
I just set my alarm for 5 am.
When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? '
She said: 'Wear sun-block."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:07:26 AM
John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'what is oral ?'

Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too...'

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:09:22 AM
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:11:41 AM
What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?

--> did you ever see grass grow on a busy highway?

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:12:54 AM
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:13:45 AM
Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does. !?!?

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:14:24 AM
Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:14:58 AM
Men play the game. Women know the score.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:20:44 AM
A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.

"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.

"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.

"What’s that?" says the Waiter.

"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.

The waiter thinks for a minute.

"Um ok" says the waiter.

The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.

"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.

The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.

"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.

"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.

"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time

"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:21:55 AM
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:24:23 AM
Thought for the day:

What is a man’s ultimate embarrassment?

Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:27:38 AM
Signal for sex:

Man marries deaf girl.

He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?"

She nods and agrees.

So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"...."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:28:25 AM
Smart Thambi

Thambi ask hooker how much for sex?

She says: $ 50 on bed, $ 20 on sofa and $ 10 on grass.

He then hands her $ 50.

She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"

He says: "NO !! 5 times on grass...."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:30:09 AM
New drink from Malaysia:

The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology.

It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh.

It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on June 20, 2013, 09:30:45 AM
Biology Lesson

Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.

Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 09:32:42 AM
Revenge For My Frog:

There was this little boy about 14 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the young boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women-inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. "


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come-in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said” no."

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get injection shots after making it with Amber." "THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,

"Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"


He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught,now when Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way he'll [email protected] the baby-sitter
and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when

Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 09:39:32 AM
Gold Rolex:

As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying, he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson", I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisinna to me," responded the Don..

"Somma day you goina be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to your watch and say, "Time’s up?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 09:44:06 AM
Paper is Not Dead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GAH0NhWR5g4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GAH0NhWR5g4)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on June 20, 2013, 10:03:37 AM
Paper is Not Dead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GAH0NhWR5g4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GAH0NhWR5g4)

 :thumbsup: hahaha this one is nice~
love the connection with todays situation..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 10:34:47 PM
Wal-Mart:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 10:35:47 PM
Washing Machine:

A man is walking behind his wife and says,

"Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."

The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.

The wife says;

"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load.
You'll have to hand-wash it!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 10:40:48 PM
Is this 486-5731:

Hello?'

'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause..............

Even Longer Pause...............

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........

'Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 20, 2013, 10:41:58 PM
Be Strong Honey:

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 22, 2013, 06:23:04 PM
A Face Lift:

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 an and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "OK, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 22, 2013, 06:24:31 PM
The Watch:

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up and learn!", replied the father.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 23, 2013, 08:40:38 PM
Moose hunting in Canada:

Two guys go to Canada on a hunting trip, they hire a small plane pilot to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. At the end of the trip they managed to bag six of them but as they are loading the plane to return, the pilot tells them the plane can take only four.

- That's absurd, says one of the hunters. Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take them all in his plane, which looked a lot like yours!

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. The plane then takes off but while attempting to cross some mountains the weight of the moose bodies couldn't make them fly high enough so they crashed. Somehow, surrounded by moose bodies, the two hunters get out of the plane without being too injured. The first man then turns to his friend and asks:

- Do you have any idea where we are?

- I'm not sure but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 23, 2013, 08:49:40 PM
The ATR Button:

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

'Sir,' she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside...

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure... The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened!?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: am_sober on June 24, 2013, 08:10:52 AM
A Face Lift:

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

hahaha~!  :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

A really wise old man~  ;D
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 25, 2013, 03:11:59 PM
The Bridge:

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on June 26, 2013, 09:36:59 PM
Studies in Paris:

Mohamed, 18 received an email from his father

- My beloved son, I hope your studies in Paris are going well and that you like the birthday gift. It is very hot here in the Emirates.
Your loving father Khalid.

The son replied,

- Dearest father, studies are going very well. Paris is a beautiful city. I thank you again for gold-plated Ferrari you have given me for my 18th birthday. I just feel a little ashamed because my fellow students and even the teachers come to college with a train.
Your respectful son Mohamed.

Twenty minutes later a new email from the dad :

- My beloved, sorry for your bad feeling. I just sent 20 million of euros to your bank account ! Go and buy yourself a train too and please stop to feel ashamed !
Your loving father Khalid.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on June 27, 2013, 07:37:03 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BNus5SlCAAEoNwj.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:39:04 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 young kids accompanying him.

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:40:13 PM
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:41:39 PM
The Vicars Chickens

Why you should make sure you think before you speak.

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sshark on July 03, 2013, 04:42:56 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 young kids accompanying him.

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints!!

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:43:19 PM
GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING

Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh. OK.' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunkbeds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:44:40 PM
SECRET RECIPE

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, 'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily, 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'

To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'

'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'

'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says. 'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'

So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'

She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'

The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'

She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see SECRET RECIPE written on my forehead?'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 03, 2013, 04:46:10 PM
What A Coincidence !

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that ? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too !'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating !' says the woman.

'What a coincidence !' says the farmer, as they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating ?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant !'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence !!!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on July 07, 2013, 06:10:56 PM
Lost in Translation:

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


Getting There:
> Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
>
> The hotel:
> This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
>
> The Restaurant:
> Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
>
> Your Room:
> Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
>
> Bed
> Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
>
> Above all:
> When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: CKL1213 on July 15, 2013, 05:04:46 PM
Saving it Up:

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:41:15 AM
NAGGING WIFE

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.

"What seems to be the trouble young man ?" asked the old gentleman.

As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there ?".

To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf !!!".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:42:38 AM
Why Some Men Rather Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:43:58 AM
A BIT OF BLONDE

HOW FAR

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking while looking at the moon.....

And one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...... Melbourne or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne. ????? '

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:45:12 AM
INTERESTING FACTS

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs. !!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:46:31 AM
BABY'S FIRST DOCTOR VISIT

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 16, 2013, 09:51:33 AM
AUTHORITY

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the power and authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher’s prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get horned before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs…”Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!”

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:26:23 PM
The Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:28:03 PM
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:35:54 PM
Mom was very worried because her six year old son, Tommy is having a small penis. After discussing with dad, they decided to visit their family doctor for advise.

At the clinic, with quite a hesitation, they discussed the "small" problem with the doctor.

After a short examination, the doctor assured the couple that there is nothing to worry about. The doctor said, "Just feed Tommy with pancakes for breakfast. That will solve the problem".

The next morning mom prepared the pancake for breakfast.

Tommy was very excited when he saw a huge pancake for his breakfast. So Tommy asked mom, "Is this pancake for me to finish?"

Mom replied, "No Tommy. You take 2 pieces of the pancake. The rest is for daddy".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:40:25 PM
Duplicate Key....PRICELESS!

A little boy asked his Dad:   What’s between mom’s legs?

The father answers:   Paradise, my son.

The kid asks again:   What’s between your legs?

The father replies:   The key to the paradise.

The son says:   Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:42:11 PM
Going to Harvard may be one's dream. Getting there may not be a reality. This is a story of a 16-year old boy who was awarded a scholarship to attend Harvard. How did he do it?
 
Well, the lad was from New Hampshire.  He won the 'World Title' for the 'Shortest Essay Competition.' and was subsequently awarded a full scholarship at the University of Harvard for his ingenious imagination and humour ...
 
Here's an example of absolute brilliance in brevity. You may laugh at this but you'll agree that this chap was brilliant.
 
Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay with reference to all of the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
 
The prize-winner wrote:
 
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:45:05 PM
> Husband Store
>
> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
> Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited ..................
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:46:15 PM
> Advertisement idea

> Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.
>
> The water is enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
>
> The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
>
> Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."
>
> Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog that jumps into the water before she can.
>
> The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
>
> Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what do you think, is the product being advertised ???
> Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your background and mental power.
>
> If you can't figure it out, just scroll down for the answer---
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SEVEN UP
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:50:52 PM
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 24, 2013, 08:52:28 PM
A white lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.
The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500.
The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 02:42:25 PM
In Catholic school, students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 02:43:51 PM
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand.
She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Brenda has a pink sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 02:45:15 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: swleong on August 02, 2013, 05:01:48 PM
7thfort, always like your shared jokes, thank you :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 07:36:05 PM
7thfort, always like your shared jokes, thank you :thumbsup:

Thank you. The pleasure is mine.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 07:37:10 PM
Mom was very worried because her six year old son, Tommy is having a small penis. After discussing with dad, they decided to visit their family doctor for advise.

At the clinic, with quite a hesitation, they discussed the "small" problem with the doctor.

After a short examination, the doctor assured the couple that there is nothing to worry about. The doctor said, "Just feed Tommy with pancakes for breakfast. That will solve the problem".

The next morning mom prepared the pancake for breakfast.

Tommy was very excited when he saw a huge pancake for his breakfast. So Tommy asked mom, "Is this pancake for me to finish?"

Mom replied, "No Tommy. You take 2 pieces of the pancake. The rest is for daddy".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 07:39:47 PM
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
   
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
   
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,  "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
   
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini.  In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken,  not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."
   
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.   They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,  and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."  They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
   
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.
   
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
   
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar.   Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.   Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
   
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
   
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people  at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
   
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"   
   
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Malaysia, they're waiting for Happy Hour  when drinks are half-price."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 02, 2013, 07:40:58 PM
An American tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar, "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology or Criminology?"

The boat guy said, "No. I don't know any of these."

The tourist then said, "What the hell do you know on the face of this Earth? You will die of illiteracy!"

The boat guy said nothing..

After a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking.

The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodiology?"

The tourist said, "No!"

The boat guy replied, "Well, today you will Drownology and Crocodiology will eat your Assology.

I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."   
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 17, 2013, 07:41:50 PM
NO Speak English                                                         
                                                                           
A Russian woman married a Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.                                                   
                                                                           
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She  didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked  like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.                           
                                                                           
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The   butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.             
                                                                           
On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...               
   (Please scroll down.)                                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
What were you Thinking?                                                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
Her husband speaks English....hellooo!                                   
                                                                           
Now get back to work !                                                   
                                                                           
I worry about you sometimes!                         
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 17, 2013, 07:43:25 PM
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 17, 2013, 07:44:33 PM
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 17, 2013, 07:45:55 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall..

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear ?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night ?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then ?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?'

'Yes, I remember !' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years ?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today !!!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:44:10 PM
A man asked for poison.

Chemist refused, since it required prescription.

He showed his Marriage Certificate.

Chemist: Thank you. What size would you like?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:45:28 PM
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. 

Osama must have called the US Navy Seals himself!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:47:18 PM
The Indian Secret to a Long Marriage!

At The Swami Narayan Temple in Neasden London, they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Popatbhai, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Popatbhai replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Bombay for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Popatbhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Popatbhai proudly replied, "I'm going back to Bombay to pick her up."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:50:19 PM
Boy's FIRST Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused.

So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse, and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck, that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her.... It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back, and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and with a smile, held up my thumb, to show her.



. . . SHE FAINTED !!!. . .
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:52:29 PM
Cigarette Story
 
I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro ,
in the Salem high country
 
I always carry a Mild Seven
I ride on a White Horse.

Going to Kingsway in Kent
it was Lucky Strike that I fell in love with the daughter of Master Duke.
Her name is YSL

We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into a room number 555.

I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf.
I played with her two Matterhorns.
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
she cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!
and you are riding like a mad Camel "

When I asked her if she was satisfied
she answered  "I want MORE !!!!"

Then suddenly she turned around and asked me
if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.

She said... Depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on August 23, 2013, 07:54:40 PM
Getting old sucks...

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 04, 2013, 09:07:20 PM
Secret of Happy Married Life

Once James asked Chong, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Chong said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

James asked, "Can you explain?"

Chong said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues whereas my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, James asked Chong "Give me some examples"

Chong said," Smaller issues like which car or house we should buy, how much to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

James asked, "Then what is your role?"

Chong said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Najib should retire etc etc..... and you know what?
My wife NEVER objects to any of these".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 04, 2013, 09:09:19 PM
A Camilian man, a Maharashtrian man and a Sardarji were all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Camilian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she smoked."

The Maharashtrian says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she drank."

Then the Sardarji speaks up, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about my friends. You know what happened to me. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked and scared. Can you imagine, I didn't even know till now, that she had a penis!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 04, 2013, 09:10:24 PM
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 04, 2013, 09:11:09 PM
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 04, 2013, 09:16:30 PM
TARZAN AND JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2013, 05:19:36 PM
Listen to your kids if you want to know what the wife thinks of you... CHEERS!

A man hunted a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.  Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will instead give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue....

Well, he said : ' It's what your mommy calls me sometimes. '

The little girl immediately screams to her brother: "Don't eat it ! It's an asshole...!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2013, 05:20:56 PM
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'

So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'

The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal chords...

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'

The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'

The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore and ridicules me. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2013, 05:23:54 PM
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu

There was rapturous applause.

No way could the old aborigine top that, they thought..

The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Found three girls in a pop up tent

They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and Tim-buk-tu

Without a doubt you know who won ! The aborigine of course !

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2013, 05:26:52 PM
One Hole Behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went
to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me
what hole I'm on."

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold
she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind
you."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:21:19 PM
MARRIAGE / MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:23:45 PM
HONESTLY !! Have you ever experienced a better definition of "dilemma"?

First imagine the situation, and then think!!!!                                                                                                                                                       

Tom and Fred were at the pub having a few beers, ? solving the problems of the world.                         

When suddenly Tom asked Fred : ?“What is a dilemma?”                                                         

Fred replied, “Well, try this analogy"                                                                       

"Imagine that you are lying in the middle of a king size bed.                                                 

On one side, you have a beautiful naked young woman.                                                         

On the other side, you have a naked gay man"                                                                 

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:24:17 PM
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:25:13 PM
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks

"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:26:16 PM
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 01, 2013, 12:27:00 PM
Police stop a Pakistani in his Ford Transit on the motorway.

Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"

The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 07:55:11 AM
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to arrange for an obituary to be published for her recently deceased husband.
 
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read, "Fred Brown died."
 
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
 
She thinks it over for a few seconds, then says:
 
"In that case, let it read: Fred Brown died, golf clubs for sale."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 07:57:17 AM
 WOMEN'S REVENGE…………..

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 07:58:44 AM
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:00:09 AM
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:01:08 AM
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:03:47 AM
One Day A Man Came Back Early From His Office.
 
He Was Shocked To See His Wife With Another Guy.
 
He Told His Wife To Go Out Of The Room.
 
Then He Said To The Guy: "What Are You Doing Here?”
 
The Guy Replied "I Love Your Wife & She Loves Me Too.”
 
The Man Said: "I Know That My Wife Loves Me & Not You.”
 
After A Long Conversation They Decided: "We’ll Lets Hold Our Guns & Fire At Each Other & Pretend To Be Dead.”
 
"She Will Mourn For The Guy She Loves The Most & The Other Person Will Get Out Of Their Lives.”
 
The Wife Heard The Gunshots, She Came Into The Room, Shocked And Surprised, Stood Staring At Both The Dead Bodies.
 
Suddenly She Started Laughing Out Loudly, Rejoicing And Shouted
.
.
.
.
"Bob Get Out Of That Wardrobe, These 2 Idiots Are Dead Now!"
 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:06:21 AM
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her....................... dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:16:46 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:17:47 AM
Paddy says " Mick , I'm thinking of buying a   Labrador ..

"Bugger that" says Mick

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 12, 2013, 08:19:30 AM
Murphy says to Paddy

"What ya talkin to an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 09:56:44 AM
SATAN

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years'.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 09:58:11 AM
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 10:00:01 AM
3 Virgins

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 10:00:58 AM
At the Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient.

"We two should be very careful not to hurt each other, ..... Agree?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 10:02:54 AM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price !"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one !"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either !"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on October 28, 2013, 10:08:05 AM
Since the wife was eight months into her pregnancy, the husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, the wife glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him. "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... Don't think about it again" she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: ''She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....''

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...I charged him only five hundred..."

The guy collapsed !!!

Think TWICE when your wife is over Generous.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 16, 2013, 07:34:19 PM
LULU ON HEAT

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block ?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What does that mean ?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block ? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu ?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 16, 2013, 07:35:14 PM
SENIORS FISHING

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down ?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or Down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,"Up or Down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ?"

She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fu*k or drown."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 16, 2013, 07:36:29 PM
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot , relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge..



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 16, 2013, 07:37:59 PM
Raining in New York City

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom ?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have ?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 26, 2013, 11:38:42 AM
REAL GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Sabah, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true !

John Nonong, a University Malaysia Sabah student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him..

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching..

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him..

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and .... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Nonong sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Ahmad.....there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it !"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 26, 2013, 11:39:55 AM
Little boy at the nude beach.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 26, 2013, 11:43:14 AM
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,

'Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?'

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,

'Sure' and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,

'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?'

Shrugging, the golfer replies, 'Okay.' And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'

'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

'I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this
day forward you will have no sex life.'

'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies, 'I'm Father O'Malley.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 26, 2013, 11:44:25 AM
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved golf all our lives, and we played golf on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You've been booked to play this Saturday."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: GZLIM on November 30, 2013, 06:06:25 AM
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: tey change the topic from baseball to golf....
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 12, 2013, 08:33:14 AM
HEARING AID

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner ?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner ?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner ?"



,,



,,



,,



"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN !!!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 12, 2013, 08:34:45 AM
FARMER JOHN

Farmer John was taking his cow and its new born calf to sell in the auction.

On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.

Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped.

They however left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.

Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John even though he looked very tired, pale and drained.

When they united him, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

"Why are you thrashing the poor calf ? His neighbors asked.

To which farmer John replied…

"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother ! I am not your mother ... I'm not your mother.... !"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 12, 2013, 08:38:13 AM
Quick Thinking

A man walked into a Woolworth's supermarket in the UK and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this Gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here.

Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 12, 2013, 08:40:40 AM
Never force children to pray

At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer.

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray.

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...

BOY: “Dear Lord,” he started

Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again!

Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone.

And provide shelter Lord, to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:02:14 AM
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:03:38 AM
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:05:32 AM
Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck; "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill hasn't been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? "

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, madam, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... “HOW ?????"

" Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:17:50 AM
Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy!"

"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:19:27 AM
Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,

"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 31, 2013, 08:21:14 AM
Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: @[email protected] on December 31, 2013, 05:30:03 PM
LATEST NEWS ... Kuala Lumpur 31.12.2013. This incident happened this morning in a mamak restaurant. While watching television, in an oversight, a man swallows a coin & chokes. His wife hits his back to make him spit out the coin but she fails.  Her husband's face begins to turn blue showing signs of choking. The wife shakes him hard & screams for help. A man sitting at a nearby table gets up, quickly lower's the guy pants, with full of confidence, squeezes his testicles & pull them down violently. Naturally, the guy with an irresistible pain spits out the coin. Then without any single word the 'hero' returns to his teh tarik. He was in his long sleeves batik, wearing thick sunglasses, a few rings with big stones on his fingers, a high songkok with a Porsche Cayenne parked nearby. Soon the couple calm down & approaches their 'hero' to thank him. The wife asks :- Sir. Are you are doctor by your profession? The man reply :- No, I am not a doctor. I am a politician. I been trained how to squeeze the balls of the peoples to make them cough up to the last cent.  WELCOME TO YEAR 2014 THE YEAR OF BARANG NAIK !
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dpkong on December 31, 2013, 08:30:43 PM
That somehow doesn't sound like a joke...  :Confused:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: gucciposh on January 03, 2014, 04:00:45 PM
I agree with that one, it's kinda 'hard to swallow' joke but i get the point!  :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: ndtaan on January 03, 2014, 04:36:03 PM
I'm a politician(malaysian)....... get it! get it! get it!!  :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:13:07 AM
On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:13:46 AM
On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:14:33 AM
In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:15:04 AM
On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:15:37 AM
At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:16:20 AM
On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:16:54 AM
At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:20:12 AM
Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:21:21 AM
Talk about Husband

One woman told another:

"My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:23:32 AM
Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple?

How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:24:32 AM
No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 20, 2014, 08:26:04 AM
Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late,
no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.

Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:

"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 19, 2014, 07:03:19 PM
Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 19, 2014, 07:05:20 PM
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ' Rock. '

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?

The chief replied, "My bike !!!"

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle !!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 19, 2014, 07:07:27 PM
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 21, 2014, 12:46:18 PM
"LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP"

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends.  He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping ?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 21, 2014, 12:48:39 PM
Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are Jews, and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Shanghai .

"Oscar," asked Benjie, "Are there any Jews in China ?"
"I don't know," Oscar replied.
"Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews here in Shanghai ?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.
"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Oscar said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China , our people are scattered everywhere..."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, apple Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews! If you want, we have Chinese Tea"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 21, 2014, 12:49:55 PM
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 11, 2014, 08:03:35 PM
A teacher asks the class to name something that end with 'tor' and eats things.

1st little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

2nd boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word."

3rd boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries !!! "
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 11, 2014, 08:05:01 PM
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 11, 2014, 08:06:33 PM
Where do red-headed babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine !!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be; our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex ??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it !' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:35:33 PM
THE NEW GENERATION 
 
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.  I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.  Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow - Really ... Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if you are fed up with your husband ... sell him on Ebay" ?!?.

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:36:33 PM
Wife : How have you managed to get home so early today?

Husband : My boss lost temper with me and shouted "Go to hell". So I came home.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:37:15 PM
Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!" 

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:39:16 PM
70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind  young girls?"

Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:40:28 PM
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her…."1st he  kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he wants  to go on top.  You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name."

Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:41:12 PM
Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an  hour?"

Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 15, 2014, 12:42:15 PM
Mr & Mrs Sum got married in Hong Kong. When their baby was born, he had big, blue eyes, curly, blonde hair and a long one.

They named him  SUM TING LONG @SUM THIN WRON. 
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: haaha on June 25, 2014, 09:52:59 PM
 :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 04, 2014, 09:34:34 AM
 An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years . 

Upon her return , her father yelled at her , "Where have ye been all this time ?
Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line .  Why didn't ye call ? 
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?"

The girl , crying , replied , Sniff , sniff...."Dad..... I was too embarrassed , I became a prostitute ."

"Ye what !!?  Get out of here , ye shameless hussy !  Sinner ! 
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family , so yer are ."

"OK , Daddy ... as ye wish ..."   

"I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat , a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check .

For me little brother Seamus , this gold Rolex . 

And for ye Daddy , the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside , plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club .

She takes a breath and continues , "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become ?" says Daddy

Girl , crying again , Sniff , sniff ....  "A prostitute Daddy !" Sniff , sniff .

"Oh ! Be Jesus ! Ye scared me half to death girl ! 

I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.  Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 04, 2014, 09:36:59 AM
Not sure if I have posted this before, too many to remember. Here goes.

This is hilarious but meaningful. One will pay a price for looking down on people !*

A Chinaman goes to Woolworth's in Australia. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Chinaman comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Chinaman, "What the hell ! This is shit, you Idiot !"

The Chinaman calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 04, 2014, 09:38:28 AM
COMING HOME LATE

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping ?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RayfordTovar on July 08, 2014, 12:49:07 PM
Cigarette Story
 
I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro ,
in the Salem high country
 
I always carry a Mild Seven
I ride on a White Horse.

Going to Kingsway in Kent
it was Lucky Strike that I fell in love with the daughter of Master Duke.
Her name is YSL

We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into a room number 555.

I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf.
I played with her two Matterhorns.
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
she cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!
and you are riding like a mad Camel "

When I asked her if she was satisfied
she answered  "I want MORE !!!!"

Then suddenly she turned around and asked me
if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.

She said... Depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!
Very interesting story indeed.. It is good one and I would like to share it with my friends..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: RayfordTovar on July 09, 2014, 10:32:28 PM
ecigs (http://www.ecigfiend.com/) Story
 
I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro ,
in the Salem high country
 
I always carry a Mild Seven
I ride on a White Horse.

Going to Kingsway in Kent
it was Lucky Strike that I fell in love with the daughter of Master Duke.
Her name is YSL

We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into a room number 555.

I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf.
I played with her two Matterhorns.
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
she cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!
and you are riding like a mad Camel "

When I asked her if she was satisfied
she answered  "I want MORE !!!!"

Then suddenly she turned around and asked me
if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.

She said... Depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!

Very interesting story indeed.. It is good one and I would like to share it with my friends..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 31, 2014, 12:02:50 PM
Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them.

Son say: What are you doing?

Father: I am putting petrol in your mom

Son: Which mean mom's engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday.

Mother fainted.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 31, 2014, 12:04:50 PM
A man went to the pub with his wife.

When he left for the counter to buy drinks, a prostitute approached his wife and whispered,

"You must demand cash before sex. I know him, he doesn't pay"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 31, 2014, 12:07:20 PM
A 8 year boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer hold his dick as evidence saying,

"Your Honor, see this. Can he rape with this tiny penis?"

The boy whispers, "don't shake it, we will lose the case"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 02, 2014, 12:19:19 PM
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female flat mate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's flat mate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just flat mates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an e-mail:

Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not". But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Mama which read:

Dear son,  I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 02, 2014, 12:24:31 PM
If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor.

After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 02, 2014, 12:29:01 PM
Listening to the wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website.

You understand nothing, yet you agreed.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sinbad2k on October 02, 2014, 01:05:02 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v502/sinbad2k/General/IMG_41921.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dennis.T on October 03, 2014, 08:10:09 AM
Listening to the wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website.

You understand nothing, yet you agreed.
this one is awesome  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: sinbad2k on October 03, 2014, 01:16:23 PM
PERBEZAAN ANTARA ISTERI DAN - PERBEZAAN ANTARA ISTERI DAN
GIRLFRIEND PADA PANDANGAN
SEORANG SUAMI

Isteri macam tv, girlfriend macam
handphone.

Dirumah tengok tv,
pergi keluar bawak handphone.

Kadang-kadang seronok tengok
tv, tapi selalunya masa banyak
habis main handphone.

Tv percuma sepanjang hayat, tapi
handphone kalau tak bayar servis
line, talian akan ditamatkan serta
merta.

Tv saiznya besar, berat dan
buruk, tapi Hp cute, comel,
ramping dan banyak butang
boleh picit dan boleh dibawa ke
mana-mana pada bila-bila masa
saja.

Kos penyelengaraan tv murah aje, lagipun jarang rosak, tapi Hp..
mak oii.. mahalnya selalu
meragam plak tu.

HP bila kita bercakap dgn dia... dia jawab semula.... TV asyik nak kita dengar je dia cakap...

Yang sadisnya Tv ada remote
control, tapi Hp takde.

Cuma satu je kelebihan Tv, takde
virus. Tapi Hp sekali kena virus
habislah!

JADI.. JANGAN PENING KEPALA,SAYANGILAH
TV ANDA

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: yeoh1984 on October 27, 2014, 09:25:20 PM
 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:nice joke..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 05, 2014, 07:26:52 PM
Can't recall if I posted this before. Here goes.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 05, 2014, 07:33:53 PM
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 05, 2014, 07:35:58 PM
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 05, 2014, 07:37:03 PM
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 18, 2014, 11:03:32 AM
Husband came home drunk.

To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop and started working.

Wife - had alcohol?

Husband - No no darling

Wife - idiot .. then why open my suitcase and acting like typing...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 18, 2014, 11:06:40 AM
A letter from teacher to a parent:

Dear parent, Kumar doesn't smell nice in class. Please try to bathe him.

Parent's answer :

Dear teacher, Kumar is not a rose. Don't smell him, teach him
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 18, 2014, 11:08:02 AM
Wife : I hate that beggar

Husband : Why?

Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book "How to Cook"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:38:37 PM
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:41:14 PM
Please do not flush anything but toilet paper down this toilet.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The Management


Is shit OK??? Please respond fast!!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:43:06 PM
Did you know :

You can skydive without a parachute?

But only once.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:46:06 PM
Whatever you do, always give 100%.

Unless you are donating blood.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:49:50 PM
If Plan "A" fails, remember there are 25 more letters.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 25, 2015, 12:51:28 PM
Common Sense is like deodorant.

The people who need it most, never use it.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 28, 2015, 10:49:01 AM
Husband kneel down to pray.

Wife - What are you praying for?

Husband - Guidance

Wife - Pray for stiffness. I will guide it myself
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on January 28, 2015, 10:55:45 AM
3 ladies took a lift in a car full of engineers. Since no place available, the ladies sat on each man's lab.

1st Lady - Are you a IT engineer?
Man - How do you know?
Lady - Your Pen Drive is trying to connect with my USB Port

2nd Lady - Are you a mechanical engineer?
Man - How do you know?
Lady - Your piston is trying to move into my cylinder

3rd Lady - Are you a civil engineer?
Man - How do you know?
Lady - Your dam has broken and flooded my village

Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on April 19, 2015, 05:37:34 AM
As USA get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ... 

And Monica blew it.


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: nikfs1881 on April 19, 2015, 04:45:40 PM
Lol!


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 17, 2015, 02:26:23 PM
A man saw a lion in the bush, he knelt down and closed his eyes and started praying.

When he opened his eyes, he saw the lion kneeling in front of him and praying too.

What a shock! He asked the lion, has God touched you?

The lion replied, "idiot", don't you pray before you eat?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 17, 2015, 02:33:50 PM
Not sure if this joke appeared before.

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby in a bus.

The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother warns, "if you don't suck, i shall give it to the uncle next to me". The baby still refuses.

After about 20 minutes, the woman repeats the "threat".

The man clear his throat and says "look, madam, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 17, 2015, 02:39:27 PM
Japanese Sex Argument

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex.

Husband : Sukitaki mojitaka

Wife replies : Kowanini mowi janakpa

Husband says angrily : Toka anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging : Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji

Husband replies angrily : Na miao kina Tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this, as if you understand Japanese.

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex. You guys need serious help.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 20, 2015, 02:18:06 PM
Bio Teacher : Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration

Girl : Ma'am, how about 9 inches

Bio Teacher : I was talking of necessity not luxury
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on May 20, 2015, 02:19:02 PM
All medicines have Side effects. Only Viagra has Front effect.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on May 26, 2015, 08:53:42 PM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/05/26/c948e2a55cc708f9586974f3cc3d0866.jpg) if you need help


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on May 28, 2015, 07:12:55 AM
Batman's weakness - tanlines

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CFX9znJVIAA6IN-.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on June 03, 2015, 07:43:21 AM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ge8gn02sFSk/VWZjU_TVILI/AAAAAAAA36o/THPuU7BPmfI/s640/IMG_3816.JPG)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on June 17, 2015, 04:27:12 AM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/06/16/e6deb08714697f6204b0cd6dd218e626.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 01, 2015, 05:04:33 PM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/01/6be98854f004afe63a158de7447cb1a8.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:29:37 AM
What is the difference between liability & asset?

A drunk friend is a liability.

A drunk girlfriend is an asset.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:31:42 AM
Wife to accountant. What is inflation?

Earlier you were 36-24-36 but now you are 48-40-48.

Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:33:47 AM
A prospective husband in a book store.

Do you have a book called. "Husband, the master of the house"?

Salesgirls - Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:35:15 AM
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life"

The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:38:25 AM
Who's guilty?

Husband and wife are sleeping.

Wife dreaming .. and she suddenly shout "Quick, my husband is back"

Husband gets up in lightning speed and jumps out of the window.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on July 06, 2015, 11:40:44 AM
Total disaster

2 friends were walking and suddenly they stooped.

1st friend - Oh my God!!! my girlfriend and my wife are coming together...!!!

2nd friend - Damn, mine too!!!
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 07, 2015, 12:32:19 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CI7vljDWgAAS5JR.jpg)

The wisdom of Fred..
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 14, 2015, 01:46:16 PM
Press Release....
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/14/aa060325e6fb10c5be331de05b3c6d4e.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 21, 2015, 05:07:15 AM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/20/c32ae6528cf02ee5598b76096461ed1a.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 23, 2015, 06:36:43 PM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/23/30e0180e1736bc62c26708d3a7888079.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 24, 2015, 08:25:09 PM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/24/fe8fabc84f882014d29d8bbcb6353a59.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 26, 2015, 02:11:55 PM
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/26/95d33662d7b7e312a16797f8b913863f.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 09, 2015, 10:50:45 AM
Teacher: Tell me the difference between a Callgirl, Girlfriend and Wife.
The whole class became silent till little Santa Singh put up his hand and answered: Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited.


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 17, 2015, 07:04:15 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BeG7SWwCEAAwx-O.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:17:50 PM
Husband found his wife's old school report card ... fainted.

The comment written,

"Most obedient and soft spoken student"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:20:00 PM
I am helping a friend who runs an outdoor activity center.

We are offering "Free Bungee Jumping" to members of BN. No strings attached.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:22:30 PM
Signboard outside Library

"Statutory Warning ... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:24:07 PM
Signboard outside a prayer Hall.

"Please do not leave your bags, wallets, cell phones unattended ... others might think those are the answers to their prayers."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:28:28 PM
Signboard outside Heaven.

"Lying naked with somebody in bed and screaming Oh God ... Oh God ... will not be considered as prayers"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:30:05 PM
Signboard outside a prostitute's house.

"Married men are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 18, 2015, 01:31:33 PM
Signboard outside a bar.

"Those of you who are drinking to forget, please do pay in advance."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: raychan on October 07, 2015, 07:21:34 AM
husband could lost interest with wifu lol
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:42:25 PM
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:43:49 PM
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:44:25 PM
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:46:04 PM
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:47:28 PM
There is a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:49:20 PM
There is very little advice in men's magazine, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me a naked women".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:50:50 PM
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:51:41 PM
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:55:31 PM
Female Brain

40% Love
20% Shopping
20% Money
10% Gossip
10% Sex

Male Brain

97% Sex
1% who to have sex
1% where to have sex
1% how to have sex
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on December 17, 2015, 12:56:38 PM
Men are like shoe laces.


They enter many holes before they tie the knot.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: alphaz on December 17, 2015, 03:04:27 PM
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 12, 2016, 11:40:46 AM
A little boy was in a bus eating chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The little boy replied "My grandfather lived for 132 years"

The man asked, "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 12, 2016, 11:42:03 AM
What's the best example of "once in a lifetime opportunity?"

A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 12, 2016, 11:44:49 AM
A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you RM3,000,000.00 less 15%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary : "Everything sir! Dress, bra, panties, everything"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 12, 2016, 11:47:18 AM
Women's lives are hard.

Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes. Evening, keep clothes. Night, iron clothes.

Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on April 12, 2016, 11:49:49 AM
Ah Beng from Johor Bahru was driving to Kuala Lumpur with his girlfriend.

While driving, he placed his hand on her thigh.

She smiled and blushingly said, you can go further!

Ah Beng went to Ipoh.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 03, 2016, 08:26:24 AM
Another England National Soccer Team joke.
????????????????

England goalie JoeHart is too ashamed to go out after the Euro 16 fiasco.

One day he went to the mall disguised as an old woman. Another old woman went up and asked u Joe Hart right?
Joe replied no no no and ran off.

Joe put on even more make up and went to another mall the next day. But the same woman saw him and asked u r Joe Hart right? Joe screamed no and ran off.

The next day Joe made himself really old and went to a third mall. Alas the same old woman went to him and said I am sure u r Joe Hart...

Exasperated, Joe asked how u recognise me?

The old woman replied psssst...I am Wayne Rooney...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 16, 2016, 03:42:54 PM
*Did I read that sign right?*


In an office:
*TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW*

In a Laundromat:
*AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT*

In a London department store:
*BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS*

In an office:
*WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN*

In an office:
*AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD*

Outside a secondhand shop:
*WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?*

Notice in health food shop window:
*CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS*

Spotted in a safari park:
*ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR*

Seen during a conference:
*FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR*

Notice in a farmer's field:
*THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES*.

On a repair shop door:
*WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)*




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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on August 11, 2016, 10:41:13 AM
A college Maths professor and his wife have just turned 60 years old.
 
On the evening of their birthdays, the wife came home expecting flowers but found a scribbled note from her husband that read,
"My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no excite me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returned home late that night to find a note from his wife:

"You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Boys' College Dorm with some of your 20-year-old students. Being a Maths professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, please don't wait up for me."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 24, 2016, 10:34:00 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcL2kL8UYAE_Kbp.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: danslater on August 25, 2016, 10:17:37 AM
good one 7th
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 29, 2016, 11:16:03 AM
Pun for watch lovers

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cq8RQZ-WYAAzwOw.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: jeffco on August 30, 2016, 12:07:43 PM
This happened when Udurawana's 4th child was born.
He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Child  : Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
Says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."

hahaha ;). simple jokes but funny
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 12, 2016, 09:39:51 AM
2 kids were arguing over whose father is the most coward.

The 1st one says, "my dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes, my dad slides underneath our bed".

The 2nd kid goes, "that is nothing. My date is so scared that when mummy works night shift, he sleeps with the Aunty next door."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on September 12, 2016, 03:49:57 PM
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "here is a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. the gator will close his mouth for

Punch line?


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 12, 2016, 06:51:54 PM
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "here is a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. the gator will close his mouth for

Punch line?

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Sorry, forgot to save and all lost.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on September 12, 2016, 06:56:26 PM
In an old folks home, 80 years old George said : I miss sex life so much.

76 years old Julia : How can I help?

George : I'd feel good if you could just hold my Tool. So Julia held his tool and they kept talking all nite.

This continued every nite for 2 weeks, then Julia saw George with another old lady holding his Tool.

Julia furiously ask : U cheap bastard. What does she have that I don't have?

George calmly replied : She has 'Parkinsons'
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on September 16, 2016, 09:35:35 AM
My two boys walked into a pharmacy. Alex, the older boy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked him, “Son, how old are you?”
“Seven,” Alex replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
Alex replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for Aiden here. He’s three.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes,” Alex said. “We saw on TV that if you used these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on September 26, 2016, 10:58:02 AM
When you lie on your resume but still get the job.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CrdUjq0XEAA3FQ2.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on October 06, 2016, 07:49:29 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Csr4tTwUEAA5HuD.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on October 17, 2016, 08:30:00 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CtPu-FhWIAEaSnz.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on October 18, 2016, 09:42:52 AM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task.

Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on October 19, 2016, 09:06:07 AM
After 10 years of marriage, Jamal dumped his wife for his young campaign secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jamal and Hana’s multi-million dollar home and since the Jamal’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Hana, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the 2nd day, she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on nasi lemak, a bowl of fresh udang rebus berbumbu, a small jar of sambal petai, and a bottle of Perrier.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten prawn shells dipped in sambal petai into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything – cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. The repairman refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on October 21, 2016, 02:11:33 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ct411Z0WEAAgZz6.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on November 02, 2016, 02:18:33 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CrwWIN9WIAI-_xq.jpg)

Math puns
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on December 01, 2016, 11:22:47 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cx6NcscW8AA-ZM2.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on December 21, 2016, 11:56:28 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CyUhSefUQAA15-D.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on December 25, 2016, 06:46:04 PM
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161225/cd0a7b1c0146d370b49ffa29e139dd91.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2017, 10:59:48 AM
Astrologer : Do you want to know about your husband's  future?

Wife : Rubbish, I will decide his future! You just tell me his past.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on February 13, 2017, 11:01:26 AM
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30 years
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 24, 2017, 11:43:48 AM
Spiritual Quote for the day.

It is better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a temple thinking about whisky.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 24, 2017, 11:45:54 AM
Reading a sad book

Wife - what are you doing dear?
Husband - I am reading a book
Wife - But why are you crying
Husband - Ending of this book is very sad
Wife - Huh .. what is the name of the book?
Husband - My savings book
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on March 24, 2017, 11:48:28 AM
Why do men wear underwear?

Answer - As per military rules, all types of weapons should be kept covered during peace time

Why do women wear panty?

Answer - Because state law says all man-holes must be covered when not in use
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on April 03, 2017, 10:12:10 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C8cPQQPUIAALkXz.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on April 07, 2017, 09:05:10 AM
Early this morning...

Student : Teacher, Miko climbed the fence just now.
Teacher : I will punish him later.
Student : Teacher would you punish me for something that I didn't do?
Teacher : Of course not.
Student : Great, I didn't do yesterday's homework.

 :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on April 07, 2017, 09:40:13 AM
An MP was blackmailed via Whatsapp:

A member of Parliament received a threatening message via Whatsapp which read: "Remember me? We slept together. I have the video. Transfer MYR 250,000.000 to account xxxxxxxxxx bank XYZ. Don't report to the police or I will send the video to the media!"

The MP was scared as transferred the money as requested. After the transfer he asked via WA, "Who are you and when did we sleep together?"

In 5 minutes he got an answer: "I'm an MP to and we both slept during the Parliamentary session..."
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on April 21, 2017, 08:38:04 AM
A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on May 30, 2017, 06:57:35 AM
Psychology 101

A practical session in the psychology class.

The proffessor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?This one may be his wife...!!! "



The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said "You got an A."


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on June 06, 2017, 10:33:20 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DAw-ATsWsAE38Gc.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on June 22, 2017, 06:22:06 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_-ph9KUIAAhDk2.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 11, 2017, 05:12:24 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170711/1bfa3c182707e40a06c63b84f0f8b1d0.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 25, 2017, 06:00:17 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DEA3b52WAAAZ_Rb.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 02, 2017, 08:34:26 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C9y6yVOUIAAEfVq.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on August 16, 2017, 08:06:53 AM
I have  decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on September 15, 2017, 09:19:01 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170915/0c9335b59a974358fa525b806cef2586.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dualcarb on September 16, 2017, 07:51:01 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170915/0c9335b59a974358fa525b806cef2586.jpg)


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????????????
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on September 19, 2017, 08:36:36 AM
If you don't understand that joke, Dualcarb, you are either an angel or a virgin, or both  :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: dualcarb on September 19, 2017, 02:38:30 PM
If you don't understand that joke, Dualcarb, you are either an angel or a virgin, or both  :Laughing_on_floor:
It was a smiley, but for some strange reason, it came out as question marks...
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on September 19, 2017, 05:36:28 PM
If you don't understand that joke, Dualcarb, you are either an angel or a virgin, or both  :Laughing_on_floor:
It was a smiley, but for some strange reason, it came out as question marks...
Good thing you clarified that point. I was at a lost how best to explain the joke to you hahaha


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: D'Andy on September 20, 2017, 08:38:37 AM
Good thing you clarified that point. I was at a lost how best to explain the joke to you hahaha

I think his question marks in itself, was reason enough as a joke by itself  :Laughing_on_floor:
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on October 02, 2017, 08:21:29 PM
Police officer: “Sir I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to.”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thiefs wife must have got hold of it now."


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on October 12, 2017, 09:23:22 AM
The boy who won the 1st prize in the Fancy dress competition.
'I argued with my wife'

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171012/896e0879e7139a8ea66470f3790d186e.jpg)


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Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 09, 2017, 02:25:46 PM
She went to an restaurant and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, she took out her mobile phone and made a very loud phone call, saying "My friend, your husband is here with another woman. Just come and see".

Fourteen men disappeared.
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 09, 2017, 02:28:23 PM
The teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.

All the students got busy writing except Vijay.

He wrote : "Due to rain, no match".
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 09, 2017, 02:30:18 PM
Vijay stood below a light with his mouth opened. Why?

Because his doctor advised him : "Today's dinner should be light"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: 7thfort on November 09, 2017, 02:32:52 PM
Q : Can February March?

A : No. But April May
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on November 14, 2017, 09:56:01 AM
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4TVIfpGNcWU/WgpCNCNDJKI/AAAAAAABGGo/6MRiqNjOXjUcR3gm0tE3EvMi8thNU-rPwCK4BGAYYCw/s320/image001-746935.jpg)

"Hello, my name is Jason and I'll be your pilot today"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: alphaz on July 26, 2018, 08:42:59 AM
An Asian man walks into a bar.
He sits down at the the bar and starts drinking a beer.
The guy next to him asks, "You know kung fu or karate or any or this shit?"
The asian guy replies, "Why you ask, because I Chinese?"
The other guy replies, "No it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer!"
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on July 26, 2018, 10:12:44 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dc_W3NNW4AAYn7-.jpg)
Title: Re: What A Joke!
Post by: meoramri on September 09, 2018, 07:26:23 AM
There was an english language competition. 200 persons
participated...
The task was To write
in one sentence about
Peacefulness, Happiness & Calmness......

The Award Winner has written......,

"My wife is sleeping."

Judges hugged him with tears streaming when presenting the award.