Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 139342 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #275 on: August 02, 2013, 02:45:15 PM »
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Offline swleong

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #276 on: August 02, 2013, 05:01:48 PM »
7thfort, always like your shared jokes, thank you :thumbsup:

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #277 on: August 02, 2013, 07:36:05 PM »
7thfort, always like your shared jokes, thank you :thumbsup:

Thank you. The pleasure is mine.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #278 on: August 02, 2013, 07:37:10 PM »
Mom was very worried because her six year old son, Tommy is having a small penis. After discussing with dad, they decided to visit their family doctor for advise.

At the clinic, with quite a hesitation, they discussed the "small" problem with the doctor.

After a short examination, the doctor assured the couple that there is nothing to worry about. The doctor said, "Just feed Tommy with pancakes for breakfast. That will solve the problem".

The next morning mom prepared the pancake for breakfast.

Tommy was very excited when he saw a huge pancake for his breakfast. So Tommy asked mom, "Is this pancake for me to finish?"

Mom replied, "No Tommy. You take 2 pieces of the pancake. The rest is for daddy".

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #279 on: August 02, 2013, 07:39:47 PM »
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
   
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
   
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,  "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
   
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini.  In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken,  not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."
   
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.   They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,  and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."  They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
   
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.
   
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
   
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar.   Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.   Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
   
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
   
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people  at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
   
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"   
   
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Malaysia, they're waiting for Happy Hour  when drinks are half-price."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #280 on: August 02, 2013, 07:40:58 PM »
An American tourist asked a boat guy in Zanzibar, "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology or Criminology?"

The boat guy said, "No. I don't know any of these."

The tourist then said, "What the hell do you know on the face of this Earth? You will die of illiteracy!"

The boat guy said nothing..

After a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking.

The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodiology?"

The tourist said, "No!"

The boat guy replied, "Well, today you will Drownology and Crocodiology will eat your Assology.

I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."   

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #281 on: August 17, 2013, 07:41:50 PM »
NO Speak English                                                         
                                                                           
A Russian woman married a Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.                                                   
                                                                           
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She  didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked  like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.                           
                                                                           
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The   butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.             
                                                                           
On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...               
   (Please scroll down.)                                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
What were you Thinking?                                                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
Her husband speaks English....hellooo!                                   
                                                                           
Now get back to work !                                                   
                                                                           
I worry about you sometimes!                         

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #282 on: August 17, 2013, 07:43:25 PM »
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #283 on: August 17, 2013, 07:44:33 PM »
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #284 on: August 17, 2013, 07:45:55 PM »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall..

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear ?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night ?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then ?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?'

'Yes, I remember !' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years ?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today !!!'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #285 on: August 23, 2013, 07:44:10 PM »
A man asked for poison.

Chemist refused, since it required prescription.

He showed his Marriage Certificate.

Chemist: Thank you. What size would you like?

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #286 on: August 23, 2013, 07:45:28 PM »
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. 

Osama must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #287 on: August 23, 2013, 07:47:18 PM »
The Indian Secret to a Long Marriage!

At The Swami Narayan Temple in Neasden London, they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Popatbhai, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Popatbhai replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Bombay for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Popatbhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Popatbhai proudly replied, "I'm going back to Bombay to pick her up."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #288 on: August 23, 2013, 07:50:19 PM »
Boy's FIRST Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused.

So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse, and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck, that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her.... It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back, and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and with a smile, held up my thumb, to show her.



. . . SHE FAINTED !!!. . .

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #289 on: August 23, 2013, 07:52:29 PM »
Cigarette Story
 
I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro ,
in the Salem high country
 
I always carry a Mild Seven
I ride on a White Horse.

Going to Kingsway in Kent
it was Lucky Strike that I fell in love with the daughter of Master Duke.
Her name is YSL

We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into a room number 555.

I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf.
I played with her two Matterhorns.
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
she cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!
and you are riding like a mad Camel "

When I asked her if she was satisfied
she answered  "I want MORE !!!!"

Then suddenly she turned around and asked me
if I want to enter her Gudang Garam.

She said... Depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #290 on: August 23, 2013, 07:54:40 PM »
Getting old sucks...

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #291 on: September 04, 2013, 09:07:20 PM »
Secret of Happy Married Life

Once James asked Chong, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Chong said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

James asked, "Can you explain?"

Chong said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues whereas my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, James asked Chong "Give me some examples"

Chong said," Smaller issues like which car or house we should buy, how much to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

James asked, "Then what is your role?"

Chong said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Najib should retire etc etc..... and you know what?
My wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #292 on: September 04, 2013, 09:09:19 PM »
A Camilian man, a Maharashtrian man and a Sardarji were all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Camilian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she smoked."

The Maharashtrian says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she drank."

Then the Sardarji speaks up, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about my friends. You know what happened to me. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked and scared. Can you imagine, I didn't even know till now, that she had a penis!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #293 on: September 04, 2013, 09:10:24 PM »
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #294 on: September 04, 2013, 09:11:09 PM »
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #295 on: September 04, 2013, 09:16:30 PM »
TARZAN AND JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #296 on: September 18, 2013, 05:19:36 PM »
Listen to your kids if you want to know what the wife thinks of you... CHEERS!

A man hunted a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.  Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will instead give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue....

Well, he said : ' It's what your mommy calls me sometimes. '

The little girl immediately screams to her brother: "Don't eat it ! It's an asshole...!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #297 on: September 18, 2013, 05:20:56 PM »
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'

So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'

The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal chords...

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'

The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'

The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore and ridicules me. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #298 on: September 18, 2013, 05:23:54 PM »
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu

There was rapturous applause.

No way could the old aborigine top that, they thought..

The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Found three girls in a pop up tent

They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and Tim-buk-tu

Without a doubt you know who won ! The aborigine of course !


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #299 on: September 18, 2013, 05:26:52 PM »
One Hole Behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went
to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me
what hole I'm on."

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold
she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind
you."