Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 139482 times)

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #175 on: April 25, 2013, 09:05:07 PM »
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #176 on: April 25, 2013, 09:06:20 PM »
CANADIAN NAMES

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu.

When they moved to Canada, they decided to change their names.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu....

well, he decided to go back to China.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #177 on: April 25, 2013, 09:07:21 PM »
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

1. compliment her,
2. cuddle her,
3. kiss her,
4. caress her,
5. love her,
6. stroke her,
7. tease her,
8. comfort her,
9. protect her,
10. hug her,
11. hold her,
12. spend money on her,
13. wine and dine her,
14. buy things for her,
15. listen to her,
16. care for her,
17. stand by her,
18. support her,
19. go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #178 on: April 25, 2013, 09:08:23 PM »
A macho husband was asked 'Do you Sleep with other women?

He replied:' Hey I sleep only with my wife. With the others I stay awake all night!!!


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #179 on: April 25, 2013, 09:09:21 PM »
LANGUAGE OF SEX

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............ "Is that one word or two?"

Offline dpkong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2832
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #180 on: April 25, 2013, 11:10:54 PM »
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '

If she was a WIS-blonde, she would have named them Rolex and Tudor. Or if hardcore WIS, she would have got 3 dogs and called them Audemars, Patek and Vacheron...

 :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline bezelnut

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 807
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #181 on: April 26, 2013, 08:35:55 AM »

If she was a WIS-blonde, she would have named them Rolex and Tudor. Or if hardcore WIS, she would have got 3 dogs and called them Audemars, Patek and Vacheron...

 :Laughing_on_floor:

LOL...Are you taking this too seriously?  ;D


Offline am_sober

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • it's time~! ^^
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #182 on: April 30, 2013, 09:47:40 AM »
BLONDE DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde. 'They're watchdogs, OK !!!!!! '

but this seriously made me laugh~ LOL~
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline ronaldindin

  • Freshie
  • *
  • Posts: 38
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #183 on: April 30, 2013, 07:50:19 PM »
hahahahaah great come back from doctor! great joke
12Bet.com - Proud Sponsor of Wigan Athletic!

Offline sitizubaidah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #184 on: May 10, 2013, 03:27:47 PM »
 :Laughing_on_floor: this so mean

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #185 on: May 13, 2013, 09:00:45 AM »
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #186 on: May 13, 2013, 09:02:12 AM »
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #187 on: May 13, 2013, 09:03:33 AM »
Ever Wonder Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne

Dear Anne:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #188 on: May 13, 2013, 09:05:59 AM »
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #189 on: May 13, 2013, 09:07:09 AM »
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #190 on: May 13, 2013, 09:08:02 AM »
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #191 on: May 13, 2013, 09:14:13 AM »
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #192 on: May 13, 2013, 09:23:27 AM »
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.

His wife says, 'Where are you going?' He said, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

And she said, 'Are you sick?'

'No' he said, 'I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.'

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said,' Where are you going?'.

She said, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He said, 'Why?'

She said, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot.'

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #193 on: May 13, 2013, 09:24:08 AM »
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #194 on: May 13, 2013, 09:25:35 AM »
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'.

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #195 on: May 13, 2013, 09:26:34 AM »
A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit.

Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says "Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you."

"How do you know she's a ballerina?"

"Well, no one else would get their leg up that high."

Offline dpkong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2832
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #196 on: May 13, 2013, 09:15:27 PM »
Ever Wonder Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne

Dear Anne:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

He should have asked Anne if she was blonde, and if so, to check the fuel gauge as well.

Offline am_sober

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • it's time~! ^^
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #197 on: May 14, 2013, 07:47:41 AM »
He should have asked Anne if she was blonde, and if so, to check the fuel gauge as well.

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

 :thumbsup:
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline sitizubaidah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #198 on: May 16, 2013, 02:33:11 PM »
 :Laughing_on_floor: i can't stop laughing!

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #199 on: May 24, 2013, 12:22:40 PM »
DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die soon," she replied.