Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 139490 times)

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #225 on: June 20, 2013, 09:14:58 AM »
Men play the game. Women know the score.


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #226 on: June 20, 2013, 09:20:44 AM »
A blind man walks into a dinner and sits down at a booth. The Waiter walks up to his table.

"What can I get you today?" says the Waiter.

"I have a kind of strange request." says the blind man.

"What’s that?" says the Waiter.

"Can I have the unwashed fork of the person you waited on before me?" says the blind man.

The waiter thinks for a minute.

"Um ok" says the waiter.

The Waiter brings the blind man the fork and the blind man slips it into his mouth. He sucks on it for a short time.

"The meat loaf and mash potatoes are delicious I’ll have that" says the blind man.

The waiter is grossed out but also impressed he was right about the dish. The blind man eats tips very well and leaves. The blind man comes back the next two days in a row with the same request and both times he was correct about the dish of the person before him. The next day when he arrives the Waiter notices him walking in.

"Jenny, Jenny" the Waiter says flagging down a Waitress he works with.

"This time I wanna have some fun with this fun. Here put this into your panties." He says as he hands Jenny a fork. Jenny giggles and does as he asked. He walks but to the table with the fork in hand ready for the blind mans daily request. The blind man as always asks for the fork of the person waited on before him. The Waiter hands him the fork fighting his laughter. The blind man pops in into his mouth.

"hmmmmm." says the blind man sucking the fork for a short time

"I had no idea Jenny worked here!"


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #227 on: June 20, 2013, 09:21:55 AM »
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #228 on: June 20, 2013, 09:24:23 AM »
Thought for the day:

What is a man’s ultimate embarrassment?

Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #229 on: June 20, 2013, 09:27:38 AM »
Signal for sex:

Man marries deaf girl.

He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?"

She nods and agrees.

So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"...."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #230 on: June 20, 2013, 09:28:25 AM »
Smart Thambi

Thambi ask hooker how much for sex?

She says: $ 50 on bed, $ 20 on sofa and $ 10 on grass.

He then hands her $ 50.

She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"

He says: "NO !! 5 times on grass...."

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #231 on: June 20, 2013, 09:30:09 AM »
New drink from Malaysia:

The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology.

It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh.

It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #232 on: June 20, 2013, 09:30:45 AM »
Biology Lesson

Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.

Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.


Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #233 on: June 20, 2013, 09:32:42 AM »
Revenge For My Frog:

There was this little boy about 14 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the young boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women-inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. "


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come-in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said” no."

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get injection shots after making it with Amber." "THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,

"Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"


He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught,now when Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way he'll sh@g the baby-sitter
and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when

Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #234 on: June 20, 2013, 09:39:32 AM »
Gold Rolex:

As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying, he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson", I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisinna to me," responded the Don..

"Somma day you goina be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then? Point to your watch and say, "Time’s up?"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #235 on: June 20, 2013, 09:44:06 AM »

Offline am_sober

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • it's time~! ^^
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #236 on: June 20, 2013, 10:03:37 AM »
Paper is Not Dead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GAH0NhWR5g4

 :thumbsup: hahaha this one is nice~
love the connection with todays situation..
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #237 on: June 20, 2013, 10:34:47 PM »
Wal-Mart:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #238 on: June 20, 2013, 10:35:47 PM »
Washing Machine:

A man is walking behind his wife and says,

"Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."

The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.

The wife says;

"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load.
You'll have to hand-wash it!"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #239 on: June 20, 2013, 10:40:48 PM »
Is this 486-5731:

Hello?'

'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause..............

Even Longer Pause...............

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........

'Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #240 on: June 20, 2013, 10:41:58 PM »
Be Strong Honey:

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #241 on: June 22, 2013, 06:23:04 PM »
A Face Lift:

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 an and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "OK, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #242 on: June 22, 2013, 06:24:31 PM »
The Watch:

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up and learn!", replied the father.

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #243 on: June 23, 2013, 08:40:38 PM »
Moose hunting in Canada:

Two guys go to Canada on a hunting trip, they hire a small plane pilot to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. At the end of the trip they managed to bag six of them but as they are loading the plane to return, the pilot tells them the plane can take only four.

- That's absurd, says one of the hunters. Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take them all in his plane, which looked a lot like yours!

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. The plane then takes off but while attempting to cross some mountains the weight of the moose bodies couldn't make them fly high enough so they crashed. Somehow, surrounded by moose bodies, the two hunters get out of the plane without being too injured. The first man then turns to his friend and asks:

- Do you have any idea where we are?

- I'm not sure but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year...

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #244 on: June 23, 2013, 08:49:40 PM »
The ATR Button:

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

'Sir,' she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside...

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure... The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened!?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Offline am_sober

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • it's time~! ^^
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #245 on: June 24, 2013, 08:10:52 AM »
A Face Lift:

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

hahaha~!  :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

A really wise old man~  ;D
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #246 on: June 25, 2013, 03:11:59 PM »
The Bridge:

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Offline CKL1213

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #247 on: June 26, 2013, 09:36:59 PM »
Studies in Paris:

Mohamed, 18 received an email from his father

- My beloved son, I hope your studies in Paris are going well and that you like the birthday gift. It is very hot here in the Emirates.
Your loving father Khalid.

The son replied,

- Dearest father, studies are going very well. Paris is a beautiful city. I thank you again for gold-plated Ferrari you have given me for my 18th birthday. I just feel a little ashamed because my fellow students and even the teachers come to college with a train.
Your respectful son Mohamed.

Twenty minutes later a new email from the dad :

- My beloved, sorry for your bad feeling. I just sent 20 million of euros to your bank account ! Go and buy yourself a train too and please stop to feel ashamed !
Your loving father Khalid.

Offline meoramri

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3898
    • My Eastern Watch Collection
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #248 on: June 27, 2013, 07:37:03 AM »
Main watch blog visit: http://easternwatch.blogspot.com

Offline 7thfort

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 737
  • Yeehah
Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #249 on: July 03, 2013, 04:39:04 PM »
A man boarded a plane with 6 young kids accompanying him.

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints!!