Author Topic: What A Joke!  (Read 139681 times)

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2013, 08:14:01 AM »
Variation Law-

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2013, 08:14:42 AM »
Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #102 on: January 12, 2013, 08:15:33 AM »
Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2013, 08:19:04 AM »
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"

Offline kiamat

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #104 on: January 12, 2013, 03:18:50 PM »
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline GMTmaster

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #105 on: January 12, 2013, 06:51:08 PM »
Farewell Cuba

An old Cuban suffers a major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a flag to kiss and say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. His friends search desperately but cannot find one. With everyone ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a 23-year-old nurse shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the cheek of her buttock.

The young girl pulls down her shorts showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped buttock. She approaches the dying man and sticks her butt in his face. The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I say goodbye with great sadness. Farewell my land, I will miss you."

After going on for 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now, chica, turn around, I want to kiss Fidel, our bearded dictator, goodbye too!"

 :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:

Oh... that is why good nurses can prolong a man's life...  amazing.  ;D

Offline CKL

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #106 on: January 12, 2013, 07:58:33 PM »
good one on the farewell cuba :Laughing_on_floor:

Offline ronaldindin

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #107 on: January 20, 2013, 12:13:20 PM »
maybe they did mess up his hormone? hehe
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Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #108 on: January 24, 2013, 06:58:05 PM »
Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint . . . And a shovel."

Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?"

The doc replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw," you hit her with the shovel."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #109 on: January 24, 2013, 06:59:39 PM »
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #110 on: January 24, 2013, 07:01:04 PM »
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.

He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice !

Husband: Twice ? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once ?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #111 on: January 24, 2013, 07:02:58 PM »
The 11th Husband !!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .. "This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."


Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #112 on: January 24, 2013, 07:04:48 PM »
OLD GIRLS TALKING

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers !

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure !

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times !"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious !... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him ?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #113 on: January 24, 2013, 07:08:46 PM »
YES, YOUR HONOUR...

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia, ie. that is - making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key !"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;

2. She was my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way !"

So ladies try to move a little during the game !!...........

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #114 on: January 24, 2013, 07:10:29 PM »
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs ?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6 Is it a penal offence ?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good !

3. Can you get him to drop his suit ?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't....

1. Think you can get me off ?

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #115 on: January 24, 2013, 07:11:47 PM »
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome ?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip !

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't ....

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first !

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #116 on: January 24, 2013, 07:14:03 PM »
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life ."

"How can you say such a thing ?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing ? It got ripped off when the truck hit you !!!"

"OH, MY GOD !!!" screamed the lawyer.

"MY ROLEX !!!"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #117 on: January 24, 2013, 07:15:31 PM »
Punjabi Mathematics.

Punjabi woman says to her mother: 

'I'm divorcing Kuldip.... all he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.'

Mother responds:

'You're married to a millionaire lawyer
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Kuala Lumpur
you drive a Mercedes 300SEL
you get RM10,000 a week allowance ...
you take 6 vacations a year
.........and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ?'

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #118 on: January 24, 2013, 07:18:42 PM »
VIAGRA FOR DIARRHEA

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good ! And what is it used for ?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for ?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'oh dear.... and.. Johnny, what is it used for ?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this ?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder !!!.'

Offline am_sober

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #119 on: February 01, 2013, 02:19:00 PM »
The 11th Husband !!!


"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". .. "This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

 :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :Laughing_on_floor: :Laughing_on_floor:
"People who says it cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it~ ^^Y"

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #120 on: February 10, 2013, 09:03:09 AM »
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony ?a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #121 on: February 10, 2013, 09:06:21 AM »
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and  forth........in and out...in and out.
 
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
 
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
.
.
.
.
.


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the @#$&ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
 

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #122 on: February 10, 2013, 09:09:59 AM »
Alaska Retirement

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
 
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
 
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night . Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..
 
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
 
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.'
 
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
 
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again.'
 
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
 
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.

'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
 
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #123 on: February 10, 2013, 09:12:35 AM »
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year,  his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,  "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers,  'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Offline 7thfort

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Re: What A Joke!
« Reply #124 on: February 10, 2013, 09:29:15 AM »
An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."